The Good, The Bad, and The Dirty
by Noxturnurnal
Summary: What was life like for Severus Snape in books 6-7? This is an account of his life from that period. Rated M for Explicit Language, Sexual Themes/Scenes, and more.
1. Possibilities

Possibilities

* * *

Two children ran up the street. They didn't bother to use the sidewalk, nobody ever drove up this road. They were silent, as people who know they're about to do something wrong typically are. They stopped at the end of the block and gazed up at the house and sure enough: the light was on in the living room, just behind the curtain. "We shouldn't be doing this." muttered one of them. "Come on." the other urged roughly "It's just a ghost, don't be a baby." Right before their eyes, a figure walked by the window and back out of sight again. "It heard you!" the first boy hissed. "No, it didn't." Dudley Dursley sneered "Ghosts don't hear, they don't do anything, _they aren't real._ " But the both stood there for a moment. "Get the balloons, come on." Dudley hissed at his friend. The boy reluctantly pulled out a few water balloons from the pocket of his coat. "And you're sure the ghost only comes back during the summer?"

"Positive, you never see the lights on any other time of year, do you?"

"I don't know; we live on the other side of town. Not by this dump." the other boy wrinkled his nose in spite of himself

Dudley took a balloon and a breath. "Ready?" he asked

"Ready."

And without further ado, both boys threw the balloons at the window, one after the other. The first ballon simply shattered on the glass, drenching the brown lawn in wet. The other, however, went straight through and shattered the glass. "Shit shit shit." yelled Dudley, but before they could move, the door opened and they saw the ugliest man they'd ever seen. His face was so pale it was almost white, and his black hair hung in greasy curtains around his face. But what was so terrifying, at least for Dudley, was the robes this man wore. They were, in fact, robes, but the kind he knew his cousin to wear. And all in one horrifying moment, Dudley knew what this man was. "Run!" he screamed

And so, the two boys turned their back on Snape, and ran for their lives, back down Spinners End, back across the river. Snape watched them go with a vindictive hatred. Turning back, he slammed the door shut and with a wave of his wand, the broken glass flew back into place in its pane, and the water was Vanished from the floor. Albus Dumbledore chuckled slightly from an armchair across the room. "What," spat Snape as he sat back down in his own arm chair "is so funny?"

"Youth." he answered simply "Not that you had one in this house." he added sadly

Snape snorted "What, my drunken father beating the shit out of my mother every night? I thought that happened to everyone." he ended sarcastically.

Albus was silent for a moment. "Perhaps we should get back to our conversation."

Snape just looked at him. "What more is there to discuss?" I've told you everything I can about the meetings and Draco's predicament, right up to Bellatrix and her sister waltzing in here yesterday. She's pregnant Albus."

He looked disturbed "Narcissa?"

"No. Bellatrix. I wasn't supposed to hear it myself, but that's the rumor, yes."

"And the father?"

Snape didn't say anything. Dumbledore sighed "That's a bridge we'll have to cross when we arrive there."

"If the Dark Lord doesn't just murder his child outright."

"I can see how the thought of raising a slave, pure and from scratch, would appeal to Lord Voldemort."

"And yet, we put that particular battle off for some boy who is woefully arrogant-"

"Enough Severus." said Dumbledore "I do not wish to discuss Harry Potter-"

"I was talking about Draco. His father is in prison. He doesn't need to suffer beatings every holiday, with the promise that there's more coming if he doesn't live up to the family name. And yet, he thinks killing you is the way to do that. Even Lucius would tell him it's a suicide mission."

"Suicide mission or not, he needs to do it to keep alive Severus, and since we know about it, we can prevent certain mishaps from happening."

"Tightening security, I presume?"

"Among other things."

Snape nodded, looking weary. Dumbledore stood up and walked towards the fireplace. "If there are anymore meetings, come to the castle or Floo me right away."

"Of course."

"Then I am fortunate I have you Severus." And with a crackle and a flash of green, he was gone.

Snape looked at the fire for a moment, and then grabbed a piece of parchment from the side table where Albus was sitting and went to the basement. There were tables that lined the walls, three cauldrons on each, and a cage of Nifflers and a cupboard were in the corner. Pulling the string for the bulb on the ceiling, he walked over to the corner and pulled ingredients and Niffler food from there before going to the third cauldron on the right. Setting the list of potions Madam Pomfry wanted down, he got to work, and as he did, his thoughts drifted. _Dudley Dursley is getting bigger and bigger._ He snorted to himself. He knew it was him because he had seen Petunia in a shop a few years previous. Dudley had been with her but Harry, thankfully, was nowhere to be found. _I wouldn't make an effort to be with those people either._ He laughed as he remembered how red Petunia had gotten before ushering her son out of the shop. He wasn't surprised that she had never moved out of town, honestly. Lily, on the other hand, had wanted to go so badly it hurt. They were sitting in the Spot once and he remembered her saying "...never told me there were more wizarding villages then just Hogsmeade Sev! How many are there, when can I go?" He knew it was ages ago, but it still felt like it had only been a year or two. _Is this what getting old is like?_ _Lily will never know…_ Somehow, that bothered him. He, of course, had been the first to know that she was marked for death, but the idea that she would never grow old got to him sometimes. Before he could stop himself, he wondered if that thought ever haunted Harry Potter as well.

* * *

I don't even know if people use Fanfiction anymore. Reviews keep me going though, so if anyone is here, let me know.


	2. Memories

Memories

* * *

Usually Severus would've just gone to bed after an afternoon of brewing. It's what he usually did while school was in session, but tonight he was in his own home, far away from Hogwarts. The fire was lit as it always was, and through dark, and slightly imbibed eyes he watched as the flames dance in the fire place, a scotch in hand. He took another sip, and as he did, a memory washed over him.

He had been young. Time seemed to be split into before Hogwarts, during, and after. He knew this had been during, but he couldn't have been older than twelve. He had sat in this very spot, crying, as his father had thrown something across the room into the kitchen. He could still hear Elaine's scream as the bottle made contact and shattered against the wall. It didn't soften him any.

For the first time in awhile, he looked around the empty house. The books were still on the walls, every wall, even on the door, magicked there so that they wouldn't fall off when someone opened it. Except now, they were filled with spell books, potions articles, even a few Muggle novels his mother had read to him as a kid. Before everything fell apart. He could barely remember it really, but there had been a time when his parents got along. They were a happy couple, and they cherished Severus Snape as their son. But it was he who had broken this illusion. There were a few incidents that he couldn't remember, ones whereas a small child, he had performed magic. Tobias had been witness to a few of them. Everything in their happy house had broken the night Eleen had told Tobias why these things happened. _They would've broken anyway._ Severus reminded himself. But there are some secrets that aren't meant to come out, even under the influence. And speaking of the influence, he reminded himself to take another swig. As he raised the glass to his lips, he realized both that it was empty and he was now drunk. _Does it matter?_ He asked himself. _There's been plenty of alcohol consumed in this house. What's a little more?_

An unexplainable rage overtook him then. He had heard that line before. He heard his mother answer in his head.

" _Oh, go ahead then Tobias, drink more. You've already drank through everything in the damn house, how're you getting the money for this anyway, stealing it?"_

" _You're one to talk," Tobias had sneered back "didn't think you'd be here anyway, it's Friday. Don't you have work to do? I thought prostitutes worked nights." Eliane paled while Tobias laughed "yeah, didn't think I'd know about that, did you? Yeah I ran into Bill the other night at the track, he told me he saw you in the bad part of town, getting in some random guy's car, with barely any clothes on. You haven't worked a damn day in your life, and sweetie, that's the best you'll ever do."_

 _She lost her temper then, and she knew it. In all her rage, Elaine had ran forward and punched her husband straight in the face. It was the only time she had ever hit her husband._

Severus was on the floor. When he looked over in the kitchen, he could still see them. At the dinner table as a family when he was young, and when it came out that his mother was a whore. The two images couldn't have been more different.

"You fucking bitch." Severus said salvagly "You honestly thought you could get away with that lie? I'm surprised he didn't see you himself." He hated how much he sounded like his father. Any love Tobias felt for him had died when he was told his son was a wizard. "But that didn't stop you." Before he even knew what he was doing, he was on his feet, stumbling up the staircase. The door to his childhood room flew open in an instant, and he stood, slumped against the doorway. Staring. It had been years since he had been in here. It was still painted with Slytherin colors, his bed in the corner and his desk below the window. _What the fuck am I doing?_ He thought. _Who cares._ Said Tobias in his head. It was the last thing he remembered from that night.

Pain. That was the physicality Severus knew the best. It was thorughly unsurprising that he work up with his head pounding, his stomach quaking, and his throat dry. He was on the floor. He didn't even care where. He fell down the steps and landed on the kitchen floor. Crawling, he made it to the door to the basement and pushed the thing open. He got up and ran for the cubboard and found what he was looking for just in time. Vomit fought hard with the hangover cure in his throat as he swallowed but, as it always did, the potion won, and his stomach subsided. His head was against the door of the cupboard, his breathing shallow and choppy. _I haven't been that drunk in a long time._ Was the first thought he actually remembered thinking. He didn't know how long he was there, but a screech from upstairs brought him to his senses. Walking slowing, he entered the living room and found two owls on the window. He begrudgingly let them in (and pushed away a memory). The first held the Daily Prophet. He paid that one and let it back outside, where it took off into the morning breeze. The second he didn't recognize, but it held a letter. He read

 _Severus_

 _Thank you for before. I rest better knowing Draco is under your protection. He is cheerful, talking much of his plans with Bella, but I'm still worried. Bella, incidentally, is the reason for this letter. As you know, the Dark Lord wants her in perfect health (why, I have no idea) and has commanded you to brew a series of healing potions and nausea remedies to make the upcoming months easier on her. I guess he doesn't mind the baby. She never struck me as the mother type, even as children. I told him I would write to you (as there was no point in having a meeting just to tell you this). He seemed agreeable._

 _This might be asking too much, but would it be possible to see you again?_

 _Write soon,_

 _Narcissia Malfoy_

 _Great._ Severus thought bitterly. _I became a Healer and a therapist overnight to two of the most crazy people I know._

The newspaper headline caught his eye though.

 _ **HARRY POTTER: THE CHOSEN ONE?**_

He snorted, not bothering to read more. Really, everyone couldn't get enough of Potter, could they?

 _"They don't use dark magic though."_ Lily argued in his head.

Severus worked through the morning and most of the afternoon. Various potions, antidotes, elixirs, and even poisons sat freshly brewed on the chopping table. Severus was listening to the muggle radio as he worked, frowning slightly. His Pepperup Potion was far too weak. He glanced down at the ingredients, frowning slightly. Picking up his wand, he muttered _Revelare._ Immediately, the peppermint glowed. _Peppermint doesn't expire._ he thought to himself. Suddenly, the stewing potion changed from sunshine yellow to bright blue. Swearing, he Vanished the muck and turned off the burner. He had had enough for the day anyway.

Walking upstairs, he saw his owl, Alice, was back from her journey. She was a tiny saw whet owl he had nursed back to health after finding her in the Forbidden Forest while picking ingredients for his work. Nobody, of course, knew Alice's real name. The staff knew his owl as just A. Only Dumbledore knew Alice was Lily's middle name. He couldn't help it, he had never seen green eyes on an owl before.

"Want to make another trip?" he asked after staring at her for a few seconds. She hooted at him and flew on his shoulder. Snape noted with amusement that her talons didn't hurt him yet. Once she got a little older maybe. He scribbled a note to Mr. Mulpepper's and sent her on her way. This done, he turned around and, once again, began to stare at the empty house. The fire crackling was the only noise. "Severus?" called the wall

Severus turned and stared at the now green flames, and the head in them. "Yes Albus?"

"Just checking in." and he disappeared

"Bloody brilliant." he said sarcastically to the fireplace "Yes Albus I'm doing absolutely spiffing, slowly suffocating in this dump of a house, drowning in memories. Good to see you, glad you're _just checking in."_

 _I need a damn drink,_ he thought to himself.

* * *

So, the dates and the books mentioned in this story will not be corespondent with when the story takes place. This will be more noticeable later.

Happy New Years everyone!


	3. Diagnosis and Prognosis

Diagnosis and Prognosis

* * *

Severus once again sat in front of the fireplace, once again, a drink was beside him. He was reading a book, much like he always was. His mother, he had been told, had read to him every single night. Started out with things like _The Frog and the Toad,_ and once he found out he was a wizard, she read him spellbooks. He knew the entire contents of _Standard Book of Spells Grade 2_ by the time he was just seven. On the nights Tobias was passed out in the living room, his mum would come wake him up in the dead of the night, and let him use her wand. She didn't bother with it anymore, in fact, despite teaching her son magic, she seemed frightened of the very thought of it. All of the spell books she had taught him, and many of the other books from his childhood (including _The Frog and Toad_ ) still sat on the shelf among the other books. Of course, since reading had obviously been a big part of his childhood, his collection didn't consist of solely wizarding books. Right now, in fact, he was reading David Myers Psychology, 9th Edition (Editions 3, 4, 6, and 8 also sat cleanly on the shelf). He had read the whole book, of course, but he had found a subject on page 604 particularly… interesting last summer.

" _... reoccuring haunting memories and nightmares, a numbered social withdrawal, jumpy anxiety, and insomnia- are all typical of what was once called "shell shock" and "battle-fatigue" and is now called post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)..."_

He had been drunk that night too when he found this passage. It, ironically, was a muggle term. But he knew it was right. _And its the worst when I'm here._ He thought bitterly. _Getting drunk, constantly having flashbacks of my parents and Lily and the Dark Lords reveals, nightmares that end in cold sweats and more alcohol, insomnia, constantly hearing Tobias's voice in my head…. Fuck it._

Severus knew that he had become the one thing he swore he wouldn't be. It was constant, he heard himself say the things his father had said to him. He drank like his father. He had no doubt that if he had a wife (he scoffed at the thought) he would've been a terrible husband.

He knew Lily was better off dead then with him. He didn't want to picture her beautiful long red hair in this house. He didn't want to see her in his parents bedroom, sleeping with him. He didn't want to see her face when she walked in their sons room and

 _No._ His voice was so firm it almost took him by surprise. _Even now, I'd never do that._

He had long stopped reading the book. He was staring at the fire again. _Let Albus check in now._ He thought suddenly, savagely. _Let him see this-_

" _You let him see this?"_

 _Tobias was holding up Transfiguration for Beginners. Ellein stood defensively, but she said nothing. Tobias turned on him. "Didja like the book?" Severus couldn't answer (_ He didn't remember why) _; he was paralysed with fear. Tobias was walking up to him now, with a familiar leer on his face…._

"Severus!"

He woke with a start. It was late, too late for anyone to call…

" _Severus!"_

He was paralysed with fear, like the little boy looking up at his dad with the book. "Albus." he croaked. Something was horribly wrong. He got up and stood in the fireplace, threw down the powder, and spun into the office. Dumbledore was had his wand pointed toward the fireplace, his body slumped over his desk. All the memories that were fighting their way forward disappeared in an instant. " _Albus."_ He was a blur, everything was blurry. He heaved the old man back on his chair, checked his pulse. Ran back to the fireplace and suddenly he was in the basement, grabbing one of the potions that he had brewed out of sheer chance earlier in the day. He grabbed his wand and a book off the shelf, then spun back toward the office, where he found the Headmaster half-conscious. He was reaching for a ring, his hand blackened and burned, a red gleam in his eye.

Before Severus knew what he was doing, he batted the ring across the room, it landed by the pensive with a dull thud much larger than what should've been normal, he took in quickly. That ruled out hexes and jinxes. He slammed the book on the table and flipped quickly to the curses section. He wouldn't find the answer here, he knew, there were thousands of curses, but maybe he could find a counter that would heal multiple at once…

So, there he sat, for what seemed like an hour to him, muttering counter curses to a withered black old hand, mentally ruling out different curses in his head. There were many curses that could do this level of damage, but containing them in an object that small was… He finished his mumblings, then went and inspected the ring. It was old, that much he could see. The gem was a dark, blood red. It was laying on its side, but he could see an enormous crack in the jewel. He levitated the thing back to the desk and lay it down in front of Dumbledore. To his relief, the Headmaster no longer seemed possessed enough to grab it. One of his counter curses seemed to work. With this, he uncorked the potion, a bright gold, and in his left hand, he tipped the potion to Albus's mouth. He then bent back over the hand and did a few simple spells for the pain. He felt Dumbledore jerk slightly when he awoke-

" _Why," said Snape without preamble, "_ why _did you put on that ring? It carries a curse, surely you realized that. Why even touch it?"_ To his furry, he saw Dumbledore hesitate and grimace. _"I… was a fool.. Sorely tempted…"_

" _Tempted by what."_ he spat

 _Dumbledore did not answer._

The rage he had felt since the start of the summer, the hallow, spitting rage, broke. " _It is a miracle you managed to return here!"_ he said, furious. _"That ring carried a curse of extraordinary power, to contain it is all we can hope for; I have trapped the curse in one hand for the time being-"_

 _Dumbledore raised his blackened, useless hand, and examined it with the expression of one being shown an interested curio. "You have done very well Severus. How long do I have?"_

And just like that, the rage halted. He had watched people die, even killed a few of them himself. But he had no idea how to actually _tell_ someone they were dying. He was looking at him expectantly now. _Snape hesitated, and then said "I cannot tell. Maybe a year. There is no halting such a spell forever. It is the kind of curse that strengthens over time."_

 _Dumbledore smiled._ Just like that, Severus rage washed back over him. How could he just smile like that when told he was going to die? But before he could say anything, Albus said _"I am fortunate, extremely fortunate, that I have you Severus."_

" _If you had only summoned me a little earlier, I might have been able to do more, buy you more time!" said Snape furiously._ He couldn't look at Dumbledore anymore, instead, _he looked down at the broken ring and the sword. Did you think that breaking the ring would break the curse?"_

 _"Something like that ... I was delirious, no doubt …" said Dumbledore._ No shit Snape thought. _With an effort, Dumbledore straightened himself in his chair. 'Well, really, this makes matters much more straightforward.'_

He looked at Dumbledore again. The old fool was smiling. Why in the world was this old, dying man smiling when he had just given him a death sentence? _Dumbledore smiled._

 _'I refer to the plan Lord Voldemort is revolving around me. His plan to have the poor Malfoy boy murder me.'_

 _Snape sat down,_

seething slightly as he did so. He opened his mouth, determined to say his piece about the ring _, but the other held it up in polite refusal to discuss the matter further. Scowling,_ but knowing it was useless to argue, Snape gave the information to Dumbledore, the very information Narcissia Malfoy had cried at his feet, begging her to tell him. He had felt for her in that moment, even if her sister did not. He pushed the memory aside as he said _"The Dark Lord does not expect Draco to succeed. This is merely punishment for Lucius's recent failures. Slow torture for Draco's parents, while they watch him fail and pay the price."_

 _"In short, the boy has had a death sentence pronounced upon him as surely as I have," said Dumbledore. "Now, I should have thought the natural successor to the job, once Draco fails, is yourself?"_

 _There was a short pause_ as Severus thought this over for a moment. It had been hinted, of course. Nobody expected Draco to succeed, he knew that. He wasn't Lucius, something Lucius had despised him for. But everyone, of course, knew he was capable. It sickened him slightly as he said _"That, I think, is the Dark Lord's plan."_

" _Lord Voldemort foresees a moment in the near future when he will not need a spy at Hogwarts?"_

He could see the fire in Dumbledore's eyes. He looked scary then, like the man who had imprisoned Ginderward, or at least, the man he imagined had. He almost sighed as he said " _He believes the school will soon be in his grasp, yes."_

 _"And if it does fall into his grasp," said Dumbledore, almost, it seemed, as an aside, "I have your word that you will do all in your power to protect the students of Hogwarts?"_

Protect the very students he hated. Wasn't Potter enough? Wasn't protecting James Fucking Potter's son enough for this man? But then he remembered all the blood he had shed, only because he had to, of course, but he woke up everyday with those screams in his ears. The Muggle women he had raped, unable to kill them, they deserved better. He didn't put it past some in the Dark Lords rank to do that to children. Not for the first time, Severus remembered the little boy he'd been as his father bathed him. He was little, but he was old enough. _Snape gave a stiff nod._

 _"Good. Now then. Your first priority will be to discover what Draco is up to. A frightened teenage boy is a danger to others as well as to himself. Offer him help and guidance, he ought to accept, he likes you -"_

 _"– much less since his father has lost favour. Draco blames me, he thinks I have usurped Lucius's position."_ And it was true, whilst Draco had not looked at anyone during the Dark Revels, he had a look of unsurprised fury every time his name was mentioned. He had never particularly liked the boy, no matter what it appeared. But he was acting like an idiot and a fool, and if there was one thing Severus hated, it was a fool.

 _"All the same, try. I am concerned less for myself than for accidental victims of whatever schemes might occur to the boy. Ultimately, of course, there is only one thing to be done if we are to save him from Lord Voldemort's wrath.'"_

 _Snape raised his eyebrows._ Surely Dumbledore could not be suggesting what he thought he was. Hadn't he just mentioned trying to protect the child? _His tone was sardonic as he asked, "Are you intending to let him kill you?"_

 _"Certainly not. You must kill me."_

No. That was the first word Severus was conscious of thinking. It had been enough, murdering women, men, and defenseless children, both magical and not alike. But to kill Dumbledore? Dumbledore. The most wide renound and greatest sorcerer alive? Dumbledore was mad just to suggest it. There would be a witch-hunt by the entire magical community for a murder he had no desire to commit. Was he insane? His mind continued to race until a noise broke the silence. He jumped slightly, looking over. _Fawkes the phoenix was gnawing a bit of cuttlebone._

 _'Would you like me to do it now?' asked Snape_

finally _, his voice heavy with irony. "Or would you like a few moments to compose an epitaph?"_

 _"Oh, not quite yet," said Dumbledore, smiling. "I daresay the moment will present itself in due course. Given what has happened tonight," he indicated his withered hand,_ (Severus scowled slightly at the sight of it) _"we can be sure that it will happen within a year."_

 _'If you don't mind dying,' said Snape roughly,_ desperate for the first time in living memory to make some sort of excuse. _"Why not let Draco do it?"_

 _"That boy's soul is not yet so damaged," said Dumbledore. "I would not have it ripped apart on my account."_

 _"And my soul, Dumbledore? Mine?"_

 _"You alone know whether it will harm your soul to help an old man avoid pain and humiliation," said Dumbledore._ That's just it Dumbledore, you don't. You have no idea how damaged my soul is. Do you think the Dark Lord openly admitted to murder back when I was recruited? No, no he didn't! I would've _never_ joined if I had known that this was the fate that awaited me. I would've never done this. And if I had known, and I didn't choose this path, then who knows? Maybe I would've never grown away from Lily. Maybe we would've been together. " _I ask this one, great favour of you, Severus, because death is coming for me as surely as the Chudley Cannons will finish bottom of this year's league. I confess I should prefer a quick, painless exit to the protracted and messy affair it will be if, for instance, Greyback is involved – I hear Voldemort has recruited him? Or dear Bellatrix, who likes to play with her food before she eats it._

 _His tone was light but his blue eyes pierced Snape._ Of course you had to play that card _he thought sarcastically._ You know damn well that I know exactly what both of them are capable off. You manipulative, miserable asshole. Either I kill you, painlessly, or they do. Do you care the pain that murdering you would cause me? But, he thought, I've seen enough pain, haven't I? I've seen lives that I couldn't save, brutal murders. He looked up again, and he saw Dumbledore watching him closely, _as though the soul they discussed was visible to him. At last Snape gave another curt nod._

 _Dumbledore seemed satisfied._

 _'Thank you, Severus ..'_

* * *

If you've read the books (and lets be honest, you have :P) you already know that the italics are JKR's work and not my own. However, I wanted to expand on this memory a little. Everytime I get a Gmail about a new review, I get giddy. Let me know what you think about the new chapter? Also, lemons in the next chapter.


	4. Dirty

Dirty. TW- Lemons

* * *

Dumbledore's hand had been cursed a few weeks ago now. Humid July had turned into a sweltering August , and still, the fire burned in the fireplace of his house on Spinners End.

He spent most of his time in the basement, perfecting potions, now for Poppy and Bellatrix. The irony of this wasn't lost on him, and he couldn't help but snort on the various occasions when he thought of this. Most of the time, he was able to push away the thought of people when he brewed, but to his distress, it seemed a bit harder then usual this summer. He wasn't really sure why, but as long as he was able to hide himself from the Dark Lord, he supposed it didn't really matter much.

Having completed another days worth of work, he mounted the stairs back into the main of the house, which was now boiling from the heat. Grunting, Severus finally took the top most layer of clothing off, leaving him in his black pants and a faded white tee shirt. He wouldn't be caught dead like this in public, of course, but Spinners End was complicated for him. It held both memories of the past traumas, and a sanctuary from the present. In his youth, he was never comfortable here. In fact, he spent most of his youth terrified of coming back to this house. But the adult Snape felt relaxed here, away from Voldemort, away from pestering students with their useless questions, and away from Dumbledore, who seemed to be able to read him like a book now a days, and that was unsettling in and of itself. He could be himself. His terrified, PTSD, alcoholic self. And that, after spending nearly all the year pretending to be whoever, was nice.

Oh yes, he was aware he was an alcoholic. It had taken him years to come to terms with this, his father being what he was. But he drank almost daily, to forget. When he was at the school, he took a shot at the beginning of the day, lunch, and at dinner, as a precourse for what his own personal stores held. During the summer, if he wasn't brewing potions, he was 'I-can't-stand' drunk. He often woke up in places he didn't remember going to. The worst, he thought, was the Spot he and Lily shared during their summers together. Ever since he had taught her about the wizarding world, their routine had been set; they would meet nearly everyday there, either reading or studying, both of them avoiding what was inevitably waiting for them when they got home. He knew he had gotten the worse end of that deal, but Petunia was still a piece of work.

He had woken up on the rock there, robes unbuttoned, one shoe missing, an unmistakable white stain on the front of his unbuttoned trousers. He couldn't remember anything from that night, not even a flashback, but he was thankful he could apparate into his own home directly. After a quick shower and a charm directed at his clothes, he had fallen into bed, naked, and continued his day as though nothing had happened.

His most recent drunken adventure though, that was one he didn't think he could ever forget.

It had been late, and he was in his usual drunken stupor, semi conscious when a there was a knock on the front door. He had groaned, stumbled, and readjusted the morning wood before opening the door to one Narcissia Malfoy. She took him in, and swept into his house without a word. She guided him to the chair he had just occupied, then went into the kitchen, muttering to herself. She had come back, what seemed like hours later, with a steaming hot plate. He gulped up the food greedily, so much so that he didn't even notice Narcissia move the bottle on the table next to hime.

"Severus." she whispered

He looked up, shocked at the caress in her voice. "What can I do for you?" he slurred in response.

She had the decency to look down at her luxury fur buttoned coat then, fiddling with the straps. "I've been so lonely, recently. Draco spends most of his time with Bella or in his room, and Lucius…" she trailed off here, her eyes full of tears.

"Lucius means much to you, doesn't he?"

"Well I certainly hope so, seeing as he's my husband." she snapped back, although she seemed to regret her outburst almost immediately, and with somber eyes, she took him in, a certain look in her eyes.

Severus didn't know what to do. He had a sinking suspicion that she might do this, ever since she showed up unannounced with Bellatrix, but he didn't think she would actually follow through with anything. But here she was, cooking him dinner and stealing his booze.

"I'm sorry." He said finally "I know Lucius's imprisonment must be hard on you."

She sighed, and seemed to gather herself. "I didn't come here to talk about Lucius, Severus."

"Then what did you come here for?" He asked, not bothering to keep the caress out of his voice. _Silly woman_ He thought to himself. _I know exactly why you're here._

She visibly shivered then, and the hungry look was back in her eyes as she gave him a once over, her eyes lingering over the swollen part of his pants just a fraction of a second too long. "Company." She whispered finally.

"I can keep you company, if that's what your asking." He told her, the suggestive purr of his voice wasn't lost on her.

She bit her lip, apperantly having an internal struggle. She didn't want to look at him then, and instead eyed around the room, her grey eyes landing on the bottle of wine. "Do you mind?" She asked, almost timidly.

If he hadn't been drunk he could've held it back. But he was, and the snort escaped him. He nodded his head, about to stalk to the kitchen to grab her a glass. He was shocked when she put the neck of it to her lips, drowning it soundlessly, straight from the bottle. _Looks like I'm not the only alcoholic here._ He had just enough time for the thought to pounce into his head, when suddenly, she stood up in front of him.

"How drunk are you?" She asked, almost command like.

He look at her with amusement. "Whatever you want to do, do it. I won't remember a thing tomorrow." He lied. It was wicked, but he wanted to see what she would do. She seemed full of surprises, he counted three as she undid her coat, letting the thing fall to the floor as she stood there in nothing but panties and a push-up bra. He ogled her for a moment, but she got on her knees and expertly pulled the raging erection out of his pants. Her eyes went wide at the sight of him. He smirked. He knew he was above average, but his girth was huge as well. Fuck, he knew he was a monster below the belt, and he watched with amusement and she found that out for herself, watching her as she stroked his length, intrigued. "I just want to feel pretty again." She muttered, more to herself then to Severus. He didn't answer, and he didn't need to, because her head went down, and her tongue touched the tip of his cock, and he saw stars.

 _This is so fucked up._ Said a voice in Severus's head. _She isn't even attractive. Lucius would kill me._

 _But she's willing._ Another voice argued. _She's perfectly willing, when was the last time you fucked a girl that wasn't dry or paid?_

He couldn't answer that question. And that made up his mind. His hand gently felt her hair. It was softer then he was expecting, and the touch seemed to encourage Narcissia, who took more of his length in her mouth. He grabbed her hair and guided her head down. He wasn't surprised when she gagged. He let her up, and he saw a trail of mucus leading from her mouth to the top of his cock.

If he wasn't sure before, he was now. He got up so suddenly that she almost fell over backwards, he caught her hand at the last second and was grateful he did; she would've gone straight into the fireplace. "Careful." He smirked down at her.

She looked timid again, unsure. Now, he couldn't have that. He grabbed the bottle of wine and held it out to her. "A penny for your thoughts." As he suspected, she didn't think twice. The other half of the bottle was now almost gone.

She stood up, her confidence growing. One of her hands was jerking him off, the other found their way to what lay beneath his manhood, gently caressing the skin there, cupping them in her hand. He looked down at her body. It was nice, he supposed. Her breasts weren't exactly firm, but they were big, and he liked that. The other part of her he was particularly interested in was unexplored territory. "Tell me." He said huskily (she seemed to shrink a little, but her eyes flowed even brighter) "what do you want out of tonight?" He lightly ran his fingers down her spine, and she shivered. "Do you want me to have sex with you?" His hands were on her hips "Fun, but rather boring if you ask me. I could do you doggy style, missionary if you're into that." His fingers teased the skin on her thighs, barely touching, but she was already almost moaning in pleasure. He smirked and leaned in to whisper in her ear "Or I could give you what we both know you came here for. You don't want missionary. You get that all the time from your husband. Admirable, but there are only so many times for so many years you can make love to the same useless cock, in the same boring position." Her moaning started in earnest now, her eyes closed as he finally found the skin of her labia, teasing expertly. "You knew there were other men who would fuck you. You knew that, but you picked me. Me, because you knew I'd give you what you wanted, because you don't want sex, and your bored to death of making love. No," he smiled as he slipped a finger inside "you want me to rail you. You want me to destroy your willing pussy. You want me to twist your body into pretzels, maybe even fuck you upside down. You want this." He throbbed into her hand. She didn't bother denying. Not that she could anyway, he knew he had her pegged perfectly. This poor, horny woman. He slapped her ass with his other hand, his finger expertly working her g-spot as he did so. Her knees buckled then, and he knew she was ready. She was so ready.

He withdrew from her, ignoring the groan of frustration that admitted from her as he did so. He gave her a light push towards the staircase, and she went, two at a time, up it, and he watched her ass jiggle the entire time. She looked at him as she reached the top. He opened the door that had once been his parents room (because he sure as hell wasn't going to taint his own room with what would later become the disturbing image of her naked, sprawled out his bed) and pushed her down on the mattress. With one movement of his wand, his clothes were off and folded on the chair next to the bed. He placed his wand on the bedside table and looked down at the woman, who in turn looked up at him in surprise as he crawled on top of her, his knees at her shoulders, his cock almost touching her face. "Didn't your husband ever teach you how to suck dick? Or was he small enough where you didn't have to deep throat?"

She didn't squirm at the thought of her husband this time; she was way too drunk for that. Instead, she looked at him with glassy eyes and said "Teach me." If it had been anyone, _anyone_ besides Narcissia Malfoy, it probably would've been the hottest moment of his life. He chuckled "Well, you're going to need to open that sweet mouth of yours." He didn't even finish his sentence; she had already done so. He thrusted forward so only the tip was in. Her tiny mouth already looked full. "Suck on that, run your tongue over the slit of me, the underside of the head." He hissed as she did what she was told, rubbing him over that special spot that made his toes curl. "Use the underside of your mouth too." She did so immediately, throwing him a dirty smile as she did so. Enough. "Now we're going to try something else." He smiled back. "Relax that mouth of yours, that's it. Now suck. Hard." She did so, but she wasn't expecting his entire shaft to suddenly be in her mouth and her throat. Her cheeks bulged as she choked. He withdrew just as fast; she coughed herself to tears when she looked up at him. "Open your mouth." He commanded again. Once again, she did as she was told, and he entered her, this time not going as deep, but still fucking her mouth. He enjoyed the look on her face more then the sensation, the confused, bulging look her mouth got when he entered her, the small smile he saw when he withdrew. That minx. He knew she'd enjoy this.

He did that for awhile, occasionally reaching back to play with her nipples and tease his fingers around her entrance, never penetrating her with his fingers, but watching her spasm and choke on his cock whenever he did this. Finally, he withdrew. As he got off of her, she sat up and said "Fuck me Severus, I can't wait anymore."

He almost laughed out loud. "Not quite yet, but almost."

He pushed her back against the mattress and looked down at her. Her white blonde hair was everywhere, her eyes wide. Her body was eagle spread, but she made no move to cover up. He eyed the curls between her legs, deciding. Figuring it would be more pleasurable for himself when he got there, he commanded "Slide up the bed, by the headboard." She did this, eyeing him apprehensively as he went down. "Tell me," He said, looking up at her "did your husband ever do this?" He teased the skin in between her thighs again, and she moaned and shook her head yes, adding "But never for too long, and never enough to make me finish. His pleasure only." she whispered, her eyes meeting his. "It was always about him."

"And let me guess," he ran his finger over her clit, causing her to jolt upwards "you didn't mind at first. You live to serve your family. Again, admirable." And he meant it, because he knew he'd be doing the same thing if he had married Lily, and he'd be just as devoted to any children they had had. "But sometimes, you need to think about yourself, don't you agree?"

He slipped a finger inside her at this. She squealed, buckling her hips down, thrusting up and down on it. He smirked, and withdrew "Don't you agree?"

She had groaned in protest, but answered clearly "Yes. Doesn't make this any easier," she gestured to his head between her legs, he in turn did another gentle rub of her clit. She gasped and said, rather quickly "But it needs to be done. I need this. I can't be alone anymore, I've never been alone before-"

She didn't finish; he had added two fingers inside, deeply, hitting her cervix as he did so. She screamed out loud this time, thrashing slightly. He didn't stop, he thrusted them in and out, slowly at first, gradually getting faster and faster until he couldn't go any faster. She alternated between moaning and soft screams, and she still pushed back on his fingers, eyes closed, her hands balled in fists around the bedding.

Finally, he went down. He started at her clit, wetting the skin there. She cried out loud, and suddenly her fists were in his hair, holding him so tightly he saw stars. He swirled his tongue against the skin there before moving downwards. He let his tongue penetrate her as his arms snaked themselves around her thighs, finally holding her open. He played with her clit as he lapped, noticing she was already close. Idiot Lucius, didn't he ever do this? _This poor, horny woman_ he thought again.

He unwrapped one and nd again resumed his thrusting, adding stimulation to the g-spot again before withdrawing. She was screaming again. He didn't know how long he did this. It could've been minutes or an hour. He felt her grasp his fingers with the walls, and withdrew. She groaned and looked ready to throw something at him and he stood up, delaying her orgasm. She didn't look like this for every long, because in one sharp thrust, he had entered her, and just like that, she came, her walls a vice grip on his shaft, her screams filling the room. He stared at her, amazed. "Lucius is an idiot." he finally said out loud. Her eyes fluttered open as he continued "if that man is so cold he can't enjoy that look on your face, then.."

He found he couldn't continue. He was sobering up now, and while he was buried deep inside a very rich, powerful woman, he still found the idea of being inside her disturbing. Still, he was no stranger to regret either. And with that thought, he took her legs and bent them so her knees were by her face, going down on one one as he did so, so he was positioned directly on top of her. "Watch." he instructed, and he buried his cock inside her to the hilt. He withdrew completely and she guided him back in again. And again. Finally, he made like he was going to withdraw, then slammed back in, and finally, he had begun. She screamed as he took her body, glancing down at his cock going in at out, now with such a speed it was blurry, whether it was because he was going that fast or because she couldn't see straight anymore, she didn't know. Severus didn't know either, but he finally let up on her legs, getting down on his knees in front of her as he guided her legs over his shoulders, her feet on either side of her head. He didn't stop, just changed the angle slightly, and she went back to moaning again; he was simply figuring out what made her scream the most. He liked her screaming. He didn't know why. Probably because she was screaming willingly, babbling words alternating between "shit" and "fuck me more, harder Snape!" as she did so. Yes, that must've been it.

Her walls were tight, but not extremely. Still, he fucked her for all she was worth. He wasn't close yet though, he wouldn't come with her staring at him. It was too personal. He switched positions again and, smirking as he remembered his earlier promise, he said "Put your legs on the top of the headboard, so your ass is on it." She did as she was told, whimpering slightly as she did so. "Now hold your legs." He smiled, and she did so, his hand keeping her now exposed ass in the air. With one hand he spanked one of the cheeks, she screamed as it jiggled, the other hand found its way to her breasts, cupping the flesh in his hand, his finger rubbing the nipple in circles. She was moaning again, begging him to fuck her. He obliged, standing on the bed himself. He was leaned over the headboard, his cock dangling over the upside down woman. He bent down slightly, and he entered her. She thrashed again as he resumed his thrusting, harder this time, now starting to get close. This was so much better, he didn't have to look into those eyes as he railed her. But he spoke nonetheless, every word punctuated by a thrust of his cock "Take. It. Woman. Every. Single. Fucking. Inch. You wanted this. Came to my house. Looking. For. This." He was slamming home now, while his pace wasn't as fast as before, it was deeper, and his head throbbed against her g-spot every time they made contact. Yes, he was close now, but he wouldn't come like this. In one swift movement, he withdrew, and he got behind her, took her ass and pulled. She fell from her position and landed on her knees in front of him, in a perfect doggy style. He grabbed her blonde locks and pushed her head down, propping her pale ass up as he did so. After some feeling around, he entered her again, feeling the pressure in his balls as he did so, knowing it would be soon. She had stopped screaming now, her voice too hoarse to do anything but gasp every once in awhile. He spanked her, and her head shot up, but at this point, he was sober, and he wasn't playing anymore of her games. He shoved her head back down, face in the mattress, and reached around to choke her. "Never. Come. To. My. House again. Never come looking for an easy fuck. You might find more then you bargained for." He smirked, spanking her more. Her ass was red now, and he was sure it hurt. But he needed to drive the point home. He found this whole ordeal disgusting, but he was too close to go soft now. He abandoned her throat and moved his hands to her hips, holding them still as he fucked her within an inch of her life, for all she was worth. _Fuck you Narcissia_ he thought, and that was all it took. He slammed into her, holding her tight against him, all the way in and pulsing as he shot over and over again inside her. He saw stars, his eyes rolled back in his head. Finally it stopped. The world stopped as he came back to himself. He withdrew for the final time, and she collapsed, and he did too beside her. The alarms in his brain went off like a siren when she rolled over and made to cuddle with him. He reached over and grabbed his wand off the bedside table, pointing the thing straight between her eyes and saying, rather loudly, " _Obliviate!"_

Her eyes took on a blank look, and he sighed, finally defeated. He laid there, panting, and she laid there, unmoving. The longer he laid there, the more sick he felt. He felt nothing while he did this to her, all because she was willing. No, because she was who she was. Did that make him as bad as all the other Death Eaters, who took for self gain while the other suffered?

But she hadn't suffered, had she? He thought back to where she had been screaming, blubbering and begging really, for him to fuck her. His stomach gave a sudden lurch, and he sat up. Naked, wand in hand, he stalked the house, going down to the basement (which now too was boiling from the heat of the fire) and grabbed a hand full of potions. He took these back up to the room, where he saw she still lay, stock still, her eyes blank. She looked like a corpse. His stomach gave another lurch and he knew he couldn't hold it back this time. He threw the contents of his arms on the bed, and ran for the bathroom. He didn't make it, instead heaving into the sink. He groaned, punching the mirror as he did, shattering it. _Great_ he thought _now I can't even brush my teeth._

He turned the faucet on and left it on, stalked back to his room. He didn't feel any better when he saw her. He grabbed his wand and said "Confundio." She didn't make any movement, and he muttered "You will take the potions I hand you. You will dress and exit my house. You will forget doing so. You will also forget tonight's events. You will go home, grab a bottle of wine, and dump its contents down a sink. You will place the bottle on your bedside table and then shower. Scrub every inch of your skin, and then crawl into bed. You will forget you were ever at my residence last night, and every thought of me fucking you like the animal we both know you are will repulse you. You will curse yourself for ever having these thoughts, thinking again of your stupid husband and his useless, tiny prick, and forget. Do you _understand?"_ He ended forcefully.

"I understand." She murmured. She sat up immediately, and held her hand out. One by one he handed her a contraceptive potion and pain potion. He didn't give her one for her hangover though. Maybe she'd throw up like he just did. _Fuck her_ he thought again. She went downstairs, dressed, and silently walked out of the house. He guided her to the back garden, and with a loud crack, she disappeared.

He breathed a sigh of relief, then realized he was standing stalkers in his backyard. He laughed out loud, the walked back in the house. He snatched his wand from the bed, and drank the rest of the potions; hangover, protection from diseases, and for good measure, a nausea potion. He was still naked as he returned to the bathroom, vanishing the vomit and fixing the sink. He pissed, washed and walked out into the hallway. He stopped half way, trying to make up his mind. Finally, he shrugged, and went back downstairs, still naked in the still boiling house, to make himself a drink.


	5. Freedom

Freedom

* * *

Narcissa Malfoy wasn't his only sexual exploit, of course. Prostitutes roamed Hogsheads freely at night, and the Hogs Head's business soared. A room at The Three Broomsticks was speedy, and mostly for the common traveler. At Hogs Head, you didn't even have to give your real name. Not that he ever did. It didn't matter if the barmen knew you personally, you could be 'Jack' and then 'Joe' and then 'Rick' in three consecutive nights, as long as you paid, you got upstairs. A fact he took advantage of.

Of course, none of the students knew about these women. They weren't allowed during the night, and it was dusk when the atmosphere changed. In mere hours it went from varsity to Vegas. It was an interesting social dynamic.

The windows of the house were open today as it rained. The screens on the windows caught most of the drizzle, but everything was still damp. The house had finally gotten too hot for him, he had stalked around it naked for three days before finally admitting this to himself. So the windows were open, and a breezy chill soared throughout the house. The only window that didn't have a screen was his bedroom. He had kicked it out when he was eight so he could get out whenever he needed to. A decision he didn't regret in the slightest because the older he got, the more necessary it became.

So there he was, shivering in the basement in his usual black robes, almost hunched over the flame from below the cauldron. He had gotten all of his work done, of course, for Bellatrix and Poppy. This was for personal pleasure now. He had been inventing potions since he was 20. Eventually, when he completed one, he sent it to Dryracts to patent it. It had started out as almost nothing when he was younger, but over time his reputation grew, and he could live off the rations of his hobby alone if he really wanted. Not to mention Hogwarts pay, which he simply put away in Grigotts, needing neither food nor lodging. Even the house was paid for, he had paid it off as soon as it got put in his name. He snorted, that was a rather fond memory.

It started when he was 14. Eileen was off god knows where with god knows who, but that didn't stop Tobias from getting drunk. Problem was, he was an even bigger alcoholic then Severus was, and he couldn't find his way home half the time. So, he would ring the home phone to find Severus home alone, studying, to come find him. After a particularly nasty incident involving Severus and a bar brawl one night, which he had walked out with not even a scratch while the other man hard limped out (magic was a wonder) Tobias had decided to illegally teach his son to drive. Eileen wasn't home much these days, preferring to prostitute then get smacked at home, and wasn't around to say no. So, several nights between the summer of his fourth and fifth year, he was behind the wheel. He had gotten a tooth knocked out the year after for burning out the clutch. But he knew how, at least then, but by the time he came home the year following that incident, he had had enough.

Severus didn't know if it counted as murder or not. But if it did, technically it was his first one. And it was the only one he felt absolutely no guilt whatsoever about.

He had turned 17 six months prior, and he had come home to find his father in the worst star he had ever seen him. If you breathed wrong, Tobias would slam doors, scream, and throw things. If you said something to him that was perceived as disrespectful (also known as standing up for yourself, he recalled) you were lucky to come out of it without bloodshed. And heaven forbid you openly fought with him.

They were drowning financially, Tobias' drinking had put them in more debt then anyone had thought possible. In fact, it was mostly Eileen keeping them afloat at this point. The house was about to be foreclosed on. And he still kept drinking more and more.

Severus hadn't bothered to tell Tobias he had come of age. It didn't matter really, all you had to do was say 'magic' and you'd come out of it with bones broken. So, it was a late July night when he found himself, like so many times before, behind the wheel. Tobias was in the backseat, screaming. There weren't even words anymore; he was just screaming like a toddler. And as he drove, Tobias saw a woman on the sidewalk. He had rolled down the window and started catcalling. To Severus's horror, he realized the woman was Lily. "What's a pretty little bird like you doing out alone?" He had slurred out "Why don't you come find a bed next to me?"

It was an absolute horrible image that got placed in his mind then. Her, screaming at him to stop as he laughed and took her drunkenly, calling her all the things that women should never be called. His Lily.

Not his Lily anymore. But that didn't matter to him.

He sped up the car, grateful that Lily had never met his father. Once they were safely at home, he had turned to his father, and dragged him in the house. He was more angry then he had ever been in his entire life, as more and more details got added to the image. Enough. He focused as hard as he could about Death Valley in America (he had been studying other cultures at this point in one of his books, and he knew that if he wanted to get away with this, the further away the better). In one swift movement he had grabbed his father and Apparated.

It was hot, he remembered that much. Tobias

 _lurched from the sensation of apparating, and_

He was himself, falling over-

 _he had thrown up on him. Severus hated it, he had never gotten used to the retching noises or the splatter sound. When he was a child and he heard this, he'd cry and beg whatever gods existed for it to please, please stop. Tobias had come in his room by mistake one night, and thrown up in front of him. He was six, and he screamed. He was crying, asking his father why, and please please stop. Tobias had stumbled into the bathroom, and Severus got up to find the whole house covered in it. The counters. The floor. It was everywhere. He had taken some napkins, this six year old little boy did, and he had covered it all up. It seemed the whole house was covered in them. And after that, he just crawled back into bed, his nose wrinkled, and tried to sleep as his father heaved in the next room._

 _That was the first flashback he was aware of having, and he had it then. Now, it was all over him. The one thing that made him weak. So Severus had vanished it, and preformed the Full Body Bind on his father. He beat him within an inch of his life, so he wasn't even recognizable anymore, and he left. He had disapparated back home, showered, and went to bed, shaking with terror about what he had done-_

He was on the ground again, sober this time, but he smelled it before he felt it. His _nose wrinkled_ and _it was all over him_ it was all over _his robes_ his cheeks. His hair. Everywhere.

He didn't know who he was anymore. He didn't know how old he was, he didn't know anything anymore.

Tobias had never been found. His mother had filed a missing persons report, and when he didn't come home, eventually, the house was put in Severus's name. Elieen didn't exist in the Muggle world, whilst Severus had been born in it. He had a birth certificate, a social security number. He was a member of society. So the house had been placed in his name. His mother had gotten sick not too long after. Some Muggle tests had revealed that she had late stage AIDS from her days of prostitution, and she had died soon after. So Severus was 22 years old, a Death Eater, a teacher, and a home owner in the Muggle world all at the same time. He worked and had the house paid off in a few years, Tobias and Eileens debt dying with them. He was free, and he was also the most tied down man he knew.

He snorted as he got up and vanished the mess. He had never been free. And he never would be.

* * *

So before anyone complains about the shortness of this chapter, I want you to know that this actually happened to me. My mother _did_ stumble home one night, drunk. She came in my room and threw up on the carpet. I was that little six year old that covered everything in the house with napkins. And that _did_ become one of my first traumatizing memories. So this is short, but it did take me a lot of effort to write. I hope you can understand.


	6. Dark

Dark

* * *

Time was really flying now. It was almost time to leave Spinners End, and he couldn't be less pleased. But there were some bright sides. The thought of Narcissa blowing him would leave, at least temporarily. He hadn't been back in that bedroom since it happened. Before that, it had been years.

But he was sleeping now, in the same bed he had all his life. His bedroom was too small to upgrade to a queen, his full barely fit. He supposed he would have more room if he removed the desk, but it wouldn't feel right to move it anymore.

He had a hard time sleeping. In fact, the Hall of Prophecies had shook him to his core somehow. He had noticed, he hadn't been the same since. He had been more drunk, less stable. And more angry. The flashbacks were growing in frequency, they were almost daily now. And his dreams, while he hadn't slept well too begin with, were quickly turning into nightmares. To night terrors. He was, to say the least, alarmed.

 _He was walking down the street. He was probably eight or so, which was too young, but his parents didn't even notice when he wasn't in the house anymore. He often walked places. In town, he looked in shop windows, he walked past the coal mill with the chimney, his little hands on the gates, peering through the wires. He watched cars go by. He had, unknowingly, walked down Bloom Street often enough, past Lily's house. But his favorite place was the very park where they had met._

 _It was a school park, he learned later that it was where Lily and Petunia went to school. Sometimes he would walk by, and stare at the other children. They laughed, played games he would never understand. He didn't understand friendship, didn't understand that he longed to have a friend. He had walked by once, while the other children were playing. They had laughed, saw his greasy hair and the coat he wore. He then kept his wandering around the park until after three._

 _Then, just as suddenly, the scene changed. He was with Lily; they were both teenagers again. "Why did you do it Sev?" She asked him, an almost pleading look on her face. "Why do you care what blood I've got? I thought you loved me, all of me!"_

" _I do love you!" He answered back "I love you more than anything, I-"_

 _And they were swarmed, surrounded by Death Eaters. Lily was screaming, he was yelling. They were apparated back to the Dark Lord, who said "You lied Severus."_

 _He was getting tortured, she was getting tortured. It hurt more then the Cruciatus curse, her screams filled the air. Voldemort laughed, and said "Take out your wand." He did so, trembling. "Kill her." He said, with that smile on his face. "Never!" He shouted back._

" _Why Sev? Why say no, you already did kill me! You killed me because you were stupid enough to not listen. You're a coward!"_

 _Tobias, who had come out of nowhere, started laughing at him as Voldemort tortured him "You hear that boy? Even she thinks your a coward! You grew up your whole life watching me, saying you were better. Is raping children better? Is killing people better? You killed me too, you know."_

 _He was crying now, sobbing as Lily's screams filled his ears again. "No no NO!"_

" _Kill her! Now!"_

" _No!"_

 _Voldemort had his wand directly in front of his nose. He wasn't afraid, that was the only thing that kept him alive; Voldemort had already taken his life, why should he be afraid of dying? But Tobias pushed Voldemort out of the way, and he shrank back in fear, his voice high pitched and his glasses falling off his face; he was 6 again. "You think you're so damn special, thinking you could over power me. Yes, hypocrite Severus. You were a fool, kid! Fools always pay for their foolishness!"_

" _Hypocrite!" screamed Lily, far away now "You're a hypocrite and a coward. James was_ always _better than you, he didn't use Dark Magic. Stupid filthy-"_

He was aware he was screaming. He was just coming to, but his mouth was already working; "I'm not, please, I'm not, I'm sorry Lily, I'm so fucking sorry." He was crying, crying like some nancy but he couldn't stop. The night terror became a flashback in seconds.

" _Look at you." Tobias had sneered. "Look at you crying there. Are you a baby Severus? Boo hoo hoo." He mocked, then laughed. "Are you going to keep crying like some sissy nancy boy? I didn't raise you to be a little girl, get the hell up."_

He was adult Snape, screaming in agony, sobbing in earnest, like the little boy. It ended there, and he didn't know how long he cried. Slowly, the crying subsided, and the breathing grew even again. _Something's seriously wrong._ He thought to himself. _I haven't cried like that since she_ died.

He got up slowly, ashamed of the puffy red face and his hair sticking to the side of his head. He eased himself out of bed and down the stairs, coming short in the kitchen. He glanced at the table and saw the very place the memory occurred.

" _Get up!" Tobias screamed, kicking his teenage sons back as he curled up in a ball under the table. "Stand up and fight!" He screamed the last word, spit flew everywhere-_

He shook himself slightly, and went to make breakfast. _It's just a dream._ He told himself. _Just some stupid memory._

His brain was quiet as he scrambled some eggs. He was tempted to drink, but didn't think he could stand to wake up on the floor again. Indeed, the previous day he had started out with breakfast being a scotch, and woke up at two in the afternoon sprawled out on the staircase, his back and neck absolutely screaming in protest.

The bottle had still been in his hand.

He took his food to the living room, where a fire was once again blazing in the fireplace. He sat there in silence, eating thoughtfully and staring into the flames. Finally, he put his plate on the table beside the chair and got up, reached for one of his books, and sat back down. _Abnormal Psychology._

 _Well, there isn't anything normal about this_.

He flipped to the PTSD section again, staring at the words, trying to take them in, trying to find some reason this was happening. The alcohol made it worse, he didn't need a book to tell him that, but he couldn't stop anymore. He always reached for a drink, every time he was in the kitchen. He had to stop himself once or twice from doing it out of sheer habit.

But the words didn't make any sense either. Whether it was the headache from dehydration, the puffy eyes from crying, or his back, which still throbbed, he couldn't tell. But his eyes simply couldn't focus, his brain couldn't process.

Books had _always_ been his release. They had _never_ failed him. Anger swarmed through him.

"God fucking damnit." He muttered to himself. But he collected himself quickly, as he rose from his chair, he walked back to the kitchen and put his plate in the sink. With a swift motion from his wand, the dish was cleaning itself. He just watched, almost mesmerized by the water, before he walked back towards the sink and dipped his hands in the cool water. He splashed his face, and walked away. The faucet was still running.

He felt better now. There was a noise in this house, something besides the silence. And then, there was a tapping on the window. He was surprised, given earlier, that he didn't jump at the noise, but went over, paid the owl, and glanced down at the newspaper.

 _ **SCRIMGEOUR SUCCEEDS FUDGE**_

 _Rufus Scrimgeour, previously Head of the Auror Office in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, has succeeded Cornelius Fudge as Minister for Magic. The appointment has largely been greeted with enthusiasm by the wizarding community, though rumours of a rift between the new Minister and Albus Dumbledore, newly reinstated Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot, surfaced within hours of Scrimgeour taking office._

 _Scrimgeour's representatives admitted that he had met with Dumbledore at once upon taking possession of the top job, but refused to comment on the topics under discussion. Albus Dumbledore is known to (cont. page 3, column 2)_

He was interested, although not surprised in the least. Of course he had been sacked, he just spent a whole _year_ lying about the Dark Lords return. He couldn't even count how many times he had seen Voldemort in those 365 days.

" _What's in the department of Mysteries?"_

He had barely finished this thought when the Dark Mark burned. He was used to this by now, but he let out a hiss anyway. He ran up the stairs and peered in the mirror, grateful to see his face had returned back to its usual pace white. Next, he closed his eyes, and emptied his mind of everything good. Lily, Dumbledore, even memories that would make Potter vulnerable, which, of course, was the goal.

He Apparated straight to the gates of Malfoy Manor. He passed through easily, his infuriating tattoo soothed immediately as he did. He felt nothing in moments like these. He focused on what was around him. The wind on his face, the smells. But mostly, his feet. Staying grounded was his secret, and it was almost funny to think his feet had saved his life more times then he could count now. But now wasn't the time for fun.

The doors swung open of their own accord, he let his jealousy of the luxury of the place burn through for a moment. Yes, he would like that. He wanted to please his master.

He entered the drawing room. There was the table before the fireplace, but most of the seats were empty. The room was cold and dark, surmising fear in his followers. But he wasn't afraid. The one seat that was not empty was the furthest from the fire and closest to the door. "My Lord."

He appeared to be in deep thought up until Snape spoke. He looked up slowly, a small white lipped smile appearing "Severus. Sit down."

"Yes my Lord." He answered calmly. He did so, waiting for his master to speak.

"I assume removing Wormtail from your home went well."

"Yes my Lord. He seemed to have an interest in more dangerous tasks, as I assumed , anyway. He kept trying to fix the doors to my home, you see. Particularly when guests were there, I always seemed to find him behind one."

He hissed angrily. But he paused for a moment, thinking. Slowly, a smile (or what he assumed was one) flirted on his face. "I think I know the perfect assignment. Now, onto business. I assume you read the paper today Severus."

"Yes, my Lord."

"Then you know that Scrimgeour and Dumbledore have already spoken?"

"Yes."

"I want you to find out what they spoke about. I also want to know what new security they have placed around the school to keep me away from Harry Potter."

Severus's mask smiled "Consider it done my Lord."

"Good."

And suddenly, without warning, his memories were being attacked. He was a child being beaten for sneaking in a sick kitten. He was 12, and Potter had his wand on him, laughing at his full body bind. Narcissa Malfoy was blowing him, her grey eyes looking into his.

"What was that Severus?"

"Narcissa decided to show up unexpectedly at my place of residence a few nights ago." He answered pleasantly. "She required certain services that only I could provide."

"And did she receive these services?"

He snorted, this time completely genuine "Definitely."

Voldemort's laugh was like an icy wind. He hadn't seen any point in withholding this information, knowing that it would probably benefit him at some point. "Is she aware of this service being performed?"

"I'm afraid not."

His eyes gleamed dangerously. "Give me the memory."

He pulled out his wand slowly, knowing Voldemort hated the sudden movements of someone drawing their wand. Putting the tip to his temple, he concentrated on the act for the first time in days, pulling the silver blue away from him. He waved his wand, the memory was in the air, floating downwards as a flask appeared. He caught the memory, placed it in the flask, and corked it, putting it in Voldemort's outstretched hand as he did so.

"I will need time to review this."

"Certainly My Lord. Is there anything else I can do to serve you?"

"No. You've done well Severus. You may go."

He got up immediately, avoiding his eyes as he left. Down the magnificent staircase, out the path, and back through the gate that only marked Death Eaters could approach. He apparated almost immediately after and appeared in the grounds of Hogwarts, by Hagrid's cabin.

He started the walk to the castle deep in thought. The Dark Lord would no doubt be nothing of help to Draco. He couldn't see him doing anything to ensure that he would not fail, because Draco failing was the plan. However, it did raise the question then about why he wanted to know about the new protection around the school, if not to help him. He knew Voldemort wouldn't dare come near the school, not with Dumbledore as Headmaster anyway. So why?

He was startled to find himself already pushing open the doors to the castle, giving way to the now extremely familiar hallway. It almost felt good to be back. There were no horrors here, no memories of his father or getting beaten. But was it really better? The Marauders were always there, always tormenting. And the Slytherins rarely saved him, instead laughing along with them. It was part of the reason he had wanted to take the Mark so badly; it was a chance to prove himself.

"Peppermint sticks." He said to the gargoyle. The creature jumped aside, and Severus went up the stairs. He knocked softly, and was relieved to hear a strong "Enter" in return.

He pushed the door open. Dumbledore was at the Pensieve, slowly emptying memories into flasks. "I was summoned." Severus said.

Dumbledore entered one more memory, then turned to face him. "I assume something of interest was said?"

"Well, yes. He wants to know what you and Scrimgeour fought about. And the new security measures around the school."

"Naturally." Dumbledore murmured.

"What _were_ you fighting about?" Severus asked bluntly.

Dumbledore sighed as he sat back into his chair. Snape followed suit, and gazed at the old man's lined face. It really hit him then just how old Dumbledore really was. His white hair, the beard, the wrinkles in his face. He seemed to age more slowly than most men.

"Because, once again, the Ministry makes demands of me I cannot morally meet."

This answer perplexed him, but before he could inquire further, Dumbledore said "The security around the school has been increased more than he could possibly know. Most are charms, but there are curses and jinxes to block spells. We are, as always, protected. I should intrust you to tell Lord Voldemort the less complex ones, keeping the more strong ones secret."

"Of course, is there anything I can do?"

"Well, that brings me to my next point of business. Last night, I hired not a new teacher, but an old one. I daresay you remember Professor Slughorn?"

He nodded, not daring to believe it yet. "Yes, he was the Potions Master before I was, I believe."

"Quite. And he shall reclaim the Potions Master title."

"Leaving me…?"

"Well, I think that a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher would be in such a position to best protect students, do you not? And since you gave me your word, I have decided to make you the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, should you choose to accept the position."

He couldn't speak. After all this time, Dumbledore decided that he _finally_ wanted him to do it. Through his shock, he managed to gasp "I'll do it."

"Good. You should be able to move your things to Umbridge's old office immediately, if you come back to Hogwarts a little earlier than normal. Slughorn is already here and has demanded the space for the piano, you see." Dumbledore said pleasantly.

"Certainly. Does the new office have enough room to continue my work as the… a potioneer?"

"No. Your new quarters will have a room directly inside it that should suffice for your work. If you need something bigger, feel free to let me know."

"Certainly."

"Is there anything else?"

"No Headmaster."

"Then you're free to go pack." Dumbledore smiled at him

He rose slowly, the news still sinking in. He was almost at the door when he turned and said "Albus?" He saw Dumbledore raise his head once more to look at him. "Thank you."

He was still smiling when he said "Your very welcome. Thank _you,_ Severus, for your help." He looked back down, and pulled a piece of parchment and a quill to him, and began to write. Once again, Severus slowly turned back around and exited, still hardly daring to believe it.

* * *

Looking back, I see writing and grammar mistakes all over the place. Most of these were written at work when I was bored. I'll go back and fix them now. Anyway. Another chapter. Hope ya'll enjoy


	7. Dreams

Dreams- NSFW

* * *

Severus moved his things from his quarters immediately. It didn't take long; with one flourish of his wand, he transformed a book into a box. Another, and everything was shrunken down. A couple more, everything he owned was in there, and the whole thing was almost completely weightless.

His new room was spacious. There was even a small kitchen and a second bedroom. Down the hall past all this, was what he would turn into his brewing room. It even had a cupboard for all his ingredients. He couldn't help but be impressed with Dumbledore; his new quarters seemed almost made for his needs.

Unpacking was more of a process then repacking was. He put two of his bookshelves on either side of the fireplace, three in his bedroom, and the last one in the potions room. The books were still smashed inside of them of course, some had always lain sideways on the others. But it was still homey. His armchair was still seated right in front of the fire. There wasn't a second, and why should there be?

Once the books were in alphabetical order, backwards, from the second letter of the last name of the author (he chuckled at his own cleverness with this, he liked to keep people guessing) he inspected the potions room more closely. The room would be laid out exactly how it was at home; three tables, three walls, an empty niffler cage, the bookshelf, and a closet. However, here, he could modify things slightly. " _Autmeta pendeo"_ He muttered.

The bookshelf now was suspended slightly, and swung open, revealing the wall behind it. Severus smiled slightly, and got to work.

By the time he arrived back in Spinner's End again, he knew that he wouldn't be back. He wasn't really sure how he knew this. So, he packed the things he thought he would miss. His favorite books went first, then the wine cabinet and its contents. His cauldrons, tables, ingredients, and nifflers (which went into a seperate box). There was only one thing upstairs he would miss, and that was his picture of Lily from when they were 12. He couldn't be sure, the date was long gone with time. This was placed specifically in his pocket, even though he rarely looked at it anymore. He went out to the back garden, took a deep breath and disapperated without a backwards glance.

The sun was setting over the lake when he got back, making the water gleam on the surface. The sky was a pretty pink orange, and for the millionth time, Severus appreciated the beauty of the castle. He checked the time, then made a quick detour to the lake. It wasn't too far, and when he got there he stood at the water's edge watching the water roll to his feet, the orange ball of brilliant light sinking beneath the sky. He pulled out the picture of Lily and in the sunlight it looked like her hair was on fire. She smiled and waved at him, and just as the final curve of the sun sank, he waved back.

He didn't dawdle. Sticking the picture gently back into his pocket, he made his way the the greenhouses. He slipped into one of them and the plants moved weirdly in greeting. He stopped in front of the Blistering Fungula, and pulled out a flask, waiting. At exactly 7:30, he muttered " _Accio"_ and several of the seeds flew into it.

He did this with several plants, then turned around and stopped short in front of the Mandrakes. The first time he had worked with these had been in his sixth year. All of the classes worked with them when the Chamber was reopened, but he remembered looking at them

 _and he heard that bright laugh. He turned slightly and watched Lily stand next to Mary McDonald, her eyes shining. He caught her eye and smiled slightly, but it was like she didn't even see him; she turned back to Mary to reply to whatever she had said, so he looked back at the Mandrake in front of him. In one swift movement he could kill himself, and everyone here if he wanted to. He wouldn't mind death. A one way stop to the pain he felt everyday. But kill Lily?_

 _He would never kill Lily._

He sighed, turned his back on them, then walked back out of the greenhouse, a little shaken. He stopped short, however, when he saw Slughorn reaching for the Venus Fly Traps, his bare hand outstretched. "I didn't know you had a death wish." Severus said pleasantly.

The old man almost fell over. "Snape?" He asked, confused.

"Actually, they call me _Professor_ Snape now. And the saliva in their mouths isn't ripe until dawn, not dusk."

Slughorn's eyes went wide, but he continued "They also have deadly sharp teeth that could swallow an entire bird whole, so I'd suggest distracting it and catching the drool." He stepped forward in front of it, and pulled out his wand. He levitated a stick in front of it and the fly trap raised its teeth slightly. Severus quietly pulled out a flask, and moved the stick around to its side, so the plant was looking sideways at Slughorn, it's massive head bared. Smirking, he silently collected the saliva dripping from the corner of its mouth. Then, he levitated the stick by Slughorn's face. The Venus Flytrap snapped forward and snached it, only inches away from the older mans nose.

Slughorn screamed and fell backwards. Severus stood over him and handed him the flask of green liquid. He took it, shaking. "At least you still have a hand." Severus reminded him.

Slughorn got up, still shaking. His booming voice was still strong however when he said "You know, _Professor,_ teachers are supposed to stand united-"

"Which is why I didn't let it eat your arm, yes-"

"But as the reinstated head of Slytherin, I should say-"

"The Head of Slytherin? You?" Severus laughed here, his cruel cold one, the one he knew sounded like ice. "I think you're mistaken. _I_ am the Head of Slytherin."

His face paled. "Now look here, Snape-"

"Professor Snape. And I'm sure if you have any questions about my Headsmenship, Dumbledore would be happy to answer them."

He was silent a long moment before saying "You've changed, Snape. And maybe not for the better."

"It's a good thing you're such a great judge of character then." Severus bit out

Slughorn turned then and walked back towards the castle. " _Accio_ " Severus said again, and Slughorn yelped when the vial flew out of his hand and back into Severus'. He ducked back into a random greenhouse, cast a silencing charm, and laughed. His true laugh, which didn't sound nearly as cold. He wasn't sure how long he was in there, but he undid the charm, still chuckling, and started to make his way up to the castle.

Making his way up the path, he saw none other than Dumbledore himself. "Headmaster." Severus said in greeting.

"Severus." Dumbledore said back "Professor Slughorn caught me at the door."

"Did he happen to be hunched over? Swearing slightly? Perhaps some dirt on his bottom?"

"I see you two have reacquainted." Dumbledore said, his eyes dancing. "However Severus, I should ask you not to make Hoarse, shall we say _unruffled,_ in the future. We do need him, you see."

"Certainly, however I should interject that a Potions Master without an arm is probably worse than an _unruffled_ one."

Dumbledore said lowly. "Still. He's needed for more than teaching." Dumbledore looked around, but said no more.

"Alright. Do you want me to see what he's doing as well?"

He thought for a moment. "Couldn't hurt, but I wouldn't try and get any information out of him. That will be a task for someone else."

Severus had an inkling of who that might be. "He shouldn't have a hard time, _The Chosen One_ does have a certain dinner party ring to it."

Dumbledore laughed this time. "Perhaps. But it won't be easy, even for him."

"Don't tell me you want me to look out for Potter too. I'm only one man Dumbledore."

"No, no, that's taken care of."

"Of course it is. But if you don't mind Headmaster, I'm going to go settle in."

"Of course." Dumbledore agreed, but he was still smiling.

"Goodnight Albus."

"Goodnight Severus."

As Severus continued up the path, a thought came to him. He turned around and said, rather loudy "Maybe more than just our new Potioneer should be more careful about his hands, Dumbledore." He saw Dumbledore hesitate a moment, but he kept walking in the direction of Hagrid's hut. Severus rolled his eyes and opened the doors to the Great Hallway. He was lost in thought the entire way to his rooms.

It was a couple days past now, and everything he owned was unpacked. Lily's picture sat on the end table next to his bed, his books were scattered around the living area and his bedroom. Some had made themselves home on his floor. He knew if he didn't move them soon, mice would get to them. But that didn't matter to him at the moment. The one week he dreaded above all else every year was finally back again; term would be starting Wednesday, in one weeks time. The week before term resumed was always the one he barely remembered. Most of the other teachers thought he just barricaded himself in his rooms and brewed potions, something that all the older teachers had caught him doing when he had locked himself away as a student. But this was hardly the case. This one week before term resumed is what had sealed his fate of becoming an alcoholic. During this period, all bets were off and incidentally, this one week is where he woke up in different places the most. The summer Black had escaped, he recalled, he had come to himself in the prefects bathroom when he jumped into the pool, swearing and choking on the bubbles when he hit the water; he had filled the thing with ice cold water instead of warm. After inhaling a lot of suds, he laughed himself stupid, as drunk people usually do, and fell asleep in the shower. It had put out his back for a month, but even three years later, sometimes he'd still laugh out loud at the memory. There were a lot of drunken escapades during this week.

So, unsurprisingly, he sat in his recliner, book in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. His eyes were unfocused on the page in front of him. He didn't allow himself much time to grieve Lily. He preferred to think that, as it was his fault she had died in the first place, he didn't deserve to feel sorry. It was his fault, plain and simple, and there was no skirting around the fact.

 _His head was down as he walked, eyes buried in Shakespeare. Walking whilst reading and not tripping over anything was one of the few things he had mastered. But when he turned the corner leading into the Transfiguration department, his shoulder bumped into something solid. He saw a flash of red as he stumbled, but he maintained his footing. The same couldn't be said for the sixth year prefect on the ground. The green eyes that stared at him were as cold as ice. He held out his hand anyway "I'm sorry, I didn't see-"_

" _It's fine." Lily said shortly. She pushed herself up off the ground and stared at him for a long moment, then walked past him._

" _I_ am _sorry!" he called to her retreating form. He hadn't dared to set eyes on her in weeks, every time he saw her red hair he felt sick. But he didn't care who was listening at that moment. She turned back to look at him slowly, and with a thrill of horror, he saw that her skin was peeling off in flakes that covered her hair. Her eyes seemed to pop out of their sockets a little, and her voice was like sandpaper when she answered him hoarsely "Prove it." she hissed at him._

" _How?" He was the adult Snape now, staring at the dead teenage girl "How can I make you forgive me? You must know that I had no idea-"_

" _That murder was part of being a_ Death _Eater? Liar. You killed-"_

Severus jerked awake suddenly. His bottle had crashed and broken on the floor. "Damnit." he hissed. He stood up, and immediately grabbed the back of his chair for support. His head was spinning and throbbing, and his mouth was as dry as

 _sandpaper._

"I'm sorry Lily." He said out loud. The words were met with silence: even the crackles from the fireplace were gone now. He was standing alone in the dark. He groped around in his pocket, but his wand was gone. "Fuck." he rasped. He started

 _groping her. She smiled at him, but it was almost a leer. "You want it, don't you baby?" she cooed. He did. He did want it. He had always found her attractive enough and now here she was, in nothing but a bra and knickers. He inhaled. It smelled like damp earth and honey. She brushed her long hair aside as he moved his hands down to her hips and hissed "You know I do." Her smile widened. It was as beautiful as a song, as dangerous as death. She was jerking him off as she straddled him, her pale skin shone bright in the moonlight. For one wild moment, he thought of an angel. But she was not innocent._

 _Not by a long shot._

 _He moved the cloth off to one side and forced her down. Her eyes rolled backwards as he filled her sleeve, and she groaned as he started to fuck her. She didn't need any encouraging, and she rode him in perfect rhythm. Abandoning fucking her, one hand moved to the back of her hair and yanked it down, the other roughly grabbed her throat. The harder he yanked and choked her, the more loud she got. She was slamming down on his cock now, and her eyes seemed to pop slightly with every stroke. She pulled his hand off her throat and sucked his index finger as she continued to bounce. He closed his eyes, and her tongue went lower, until her teeth lightly grazed his Dark Mark. His eyes flew open. She smiled mischievously at him. It was wicked, filthy. But suddenly, she stopped and his cock slipped out. He made to go back in, but she slapped his hand away._

" _Now Snape, didn't anyone ever teach you how to please a woman?" she crackled. She sat up, affording him a decent view of her long legs, and he got to watch her take her panties off, fingers to toes. She looked at him, biting her lip as she slid back upwards. Gods, she was hot. She walked back in front of him and put one leg on the log that was behind them, and sat on his face. He didn't need to be told twice; his tongue circled her clit and lapped at her entrance. She forced herself downwards, and he thrust his tongue in her entrance. He received a yelp for this. Encouraged, he wrapped his arm around her and spanked her. Hard. She trembled this time, a soft moan escaping. He felt her squeeze his tongue and he withdrew it. Outraged, she grabbed him by his hair and shoved his face back into her labia, but he didn't budge. "Let me fuck you." he teased._

 _She let go of his hair and his head hit the tree again. He pushed her off and said "Face down. You like that, don't you?"_

" _Oooh Snape, has anyone told you it's sexy when you give orders?" she switched places with him and bent over the fallen tree he had just vacated. She whipped her hair around just in time to see him slam his cock into her from behind. Her scream made birds fly off their trees._

 _Severus couldn't see look down anymore, he was so close. He fucked her long and hard, but he couldn't help but look down at her ass bouncing on his cock as he fucked her. She moaned "Severus, fill me up." She was meeting his thrusts with thrusts of her own. The world started spinning "You'd love that, wouldn't you?" He grabbed her hips and held them in place as he withdrew and came on her creamy white ass. "Slut." He hissed down at her; even at nineteen, his sneer was infamous. But she was older, and her disdain was legendary._

" _You stupid prick!" She turned around and clocked him, completely naked. His shock didn't last long. He grabbed her by the throat and held her. She rasped out, but couldn't make words. "Thanks for your_ services." _he smirked. He threw her to the ground then, and the leaves crackled as her body hit the earth. "How's that feel, being so dirty that my come glues actual dirt to your ass?" He laughed at her then, and she hooded eyes were fire. Quicker than he would've thought possible, she leapt for her wand. Pure instinct took over, and in a mere flash, both of their wands were pointed at each other's throats. "You think you can best me?" Bellatrix laughed. Severus just stared at her. His love was solely for Lily, but if he had a type, it would be her. Secretly, he suspected the same for her. He watched her chest heave, her breasts bouncing slightly. He felt another throb and he realized he wasn't soft yet. "Levicoupus" he thought silently._

 _Her body flew up above him. She tried to jinx him as she was suspended in the air, but it hit a nearby tree instead. "But you like being called a slut, don't you?" He thrust his cock in her face and gauged her reaction. Her face softened immediately, and was even more shocked at the little "no…" That escaped from her lips. He was on the brink of letting her down in shock when she looked up at him and said "But I like being dirty. And your cock is the biggest I've ever-"_

 _She stopped and Severus knew why. She was due to be married in three days time. He smirked to himself before replying "Well, the clock is ticking. Better get a move on then." He pulsed in her hand, which was once again jacking him off, her pussy still coated in fluids. He throbbed again and she took him in her mouth. He groaned and pulled her to him, once again teasing her clit. She moaned, and its hum spread up his length, vibrating around him. It felt good, but it was going to take some work on her part to get him off again. He pulled away and told her so. "Well, then let me down. I'll give you what you're asking for. But you might get ...more than you bargained for." she teased._

 _He obliged her out of sheer curiosity for what she had in mind. Instead of crashing to the ground, she caught herself as she fell and gracefully got to her feet. He was already moderately impressed when she walked up to him and whispered in his ear "Get out your wand." He did so, and_

He heard himself groan and opened his eyes. It was morning now, there was a hint of the darkest blue peaking in from the window. He had a raging hard on as he remembered how the memory ended. "Fuck…" he hissed outloud, but as he made to grope his cock, there was a knock on the door. He stayed as silent as possible, but it was a watery voice that said "Come now, Severus, I need to speak with you. I know you're awake." he added. He didn't know if he was satisfied or not at how uncomfortable Slughorn sounded. _Go figure_ he thought to himself. _The one person that doesn't know about my week of-_

" _You've had enough Tobias-"_

" _Killed me." Lily whispered in his ear._

He shook his head like a wet dog. To his immense relief, Slughorn had stalked off.

He sat up slowly, amazed that he only had a slight hangover. He walked over to the faucet in the kitchen and cupped some water in his hands, drinking it, letting its coldness penetrate the rest of his face, letting it roll down his chin.

 _No._ a strong voice in his head rang _This isn't supposed to be happening here._

 _It's just a dream_ another voice argued _Just a memory._

He snorted out loud. What a memory indeed.


	8. Annabel Lee

_Annabel Lee_

* * *

Slughorn's interruptions turned out to be nothing more than to raid his stores of potions; Veritaserum and Polyjuice (he had laughed out loud when Slughorn had asked for Amortentia). "And I'll give them back to you, you know, I just need to use them in my sixth year class. Perhaps you remember seeing them for your first time in my class-"

Snape scoffed "I had already brewed Polyjuice potion in my fourth year. Veritaserum was an easy brew, if only a long one." Slughorn looked completely startled, opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water. "I didn't know you had such the talent-"

"Of course you didn't." he snapped back. "Anything else?"

"N-no." Slughorn replied weakly

"Have a good day then." he said sarcastically. He shut the door in Slughorn's face, then walked back over to the bottle of gin he was about to start drinking. He ignored the glass he had brought over for himself and downed the stuff from the neck of the bottle. Satisfied, he pointed his wand (which had gotten knocked over onto the floor when the bottle crashed the night previously) at the fire and it roared to life.

No, Slughorn hadn't seen Severus' talent when he attended school. He was not well known or liked by his peers, his parents were not well connected or rich. He had quietly excelled in all of his classes, particularly Potions, which, other than the Dark Arts, was something he seemed to process a natural talent of. He had started modifying Potions in his fourth year. Simple ones at first, like Pepper Up and the Shrinking Solution. By the time he was in his sixth year, he was modifying much more advanced brews. A Hair Growth serum could be tasteless and odorless, providing hilarious results should you accidently slipped one to someone. Polyjuice could tickle your insides instead of burn them, and Flex Filix could taste like chocolate.

But Potions has never captivated him like the Dark Arts had. He supposed it was mostly the pain that his younger self had bottled up. He would sit in his dorm and fantasize about how easily it would be to make his father suffer the way he had. Then Potter and the rest of the Marauders. His housemates and mother convinced him that Muggleborns too needed to be punished. But there was the flaw in his brain, the acute crack that ran up his skull. It seemed to work against all of his logic or reason. For how could anyone want to harm someone so beautiful and innocent as Lily was? It was easy to picture Potter being subject to the Cruciatus curse. He deserved to suffer, because it didn't matter to anyone else that he was a bullying cunt. He should at least know it himself. But he couldn't even picture seeing Lily in that much agony, couldn't picture her screams, her red hair shaking as she cried from the pain. But as time went on, her screams faded out over everyone else's laughter when Potter threw more hexes and curses at him, when people laughed at him and mocked him in the corridors. By the time his fifth year rolled around, he was a time bomb; blinded by rage and excited by other people's suffering. In his eyes, a judge. In others, a sadist.

Lily hadn't missed this, he supposed. He should've noticed the way she slowly distanced herself from him, the way they had less and less in common until it was only their past holding them together. This has come to ahead, of course.

He stared at the fire for a long time, eyes unseeing. It had been a lesson he had learned much later, when Voldemort had moved in the open. When 'pain' became 'torture' and 'punish' became 'murder'. He didn't want to murder everyone that had laughed at him. He didn't want everyone to suffer. Why had Lily suffered? Other than blame himself like he had been for the past fifteen years, he didn't see a reason. Which brought him back to his current train of thought.

"Six more days."

So he did he always did for those six days. He wandered the halls of the school late at night, when everyone was asleep. He didn't have to worry about patrol, after all. Whenever he went exploring, it seemed he always found something new. Twice he found himself in the deeper dungeons. They hadn't been used in centuries, and no student would've dared to go there, even to cause trouble. Here, he had found chains and whips. Books on human body anatomy, and old potions. He had taken the books and potions up to his room once he found them to study them; they turned out to be very interesting. Going up into the main castle, he constantly walked by the Room of Requirement, and it was highly amusing to walk in and out of the room, having it design something completely new every time he opened its door. He had walked in on everything from a torture room for Sirius Black to the house he envisioned himself having with Lily. Every once and awhile, he wondered if they would've had children together. He knew that she hadn't wanted them when she was still on speaking terms with him, prefering to travel and explore new things. The thought of Potter forcing her into it made him hate the James Potter even more, had she even _wanted_ Harry? Or did she just decide she found the right person for that kind of thing?

Many times over the course of the years, he had tried to be happy for her. He really _did_ want her to be happy. If she was happy with Potter, then he should be happy for her, right? But he could never quite manage it. His love for Lily was equal to his hatred for Potter.

Sometimes his thoughts would randomly stray to Petunia. It was odd to him that he hadn't seen her for years, but Potter saw her every summer. He wondered if she was as much of a bitch now as she was when they'd been young. He thought it very likely. But she had taken the boy in as well. If she was _such_ a bitch, and she hated her sister _so_ much, why did she take him? His mind felt like it was being split in two. But that was what happened when you mixed drinks, he supposed.

Drinks, drinks, drinks. His whole life was starting to revolve around them. It had been all he thought about for the entire summer. He tried to stop. Tried to invest in books, potions, and inventing new spells. But his day always seemed to come back to what he had in his secret booze room.

Yes, that had been constructed nicely, and he had wanted a secret room since he had been a young child. Tho potions lab was the natural choice for such a room because never let anyone go in there, not even Dumbledore and he was typically the one to ask about his progress with his experimental potions. Snape thought about what it would be like to make a potion with him. There were two person potions, but they didn't get taught until N.E.W.T level anyway. Unless you were studying them for your profession, you didn't really need to know how to brew them. Even he had only done it once or twice, though that was simply lack of a partner that stopped him.

Double person potions were complicated, even for him. You had to know the properties of each ingredient first, then you needed to put that list in order to figure out how the first ingredient would react to the second, and how that combination would react to the third's properties, and so on. The problem with double person potions was they typically required you to mix upwards of four ingredients all at once, and none of them could be mixed prior to putting them in the cauldron. You need the extra pair of hands to get the whole thing right. He had met and worked with some very experienced potioneers over the years, but the one thing he fantasised about more than anything else was brewing one of these potions with Lily. She was a natural at brewing, he had exploded or otherwise ruined his work on multiple occasions from paying attention to what she was doing.

His bleary eyes were set on the fire. He would give anything to talk to her again. He would give anything to just get an icy glare from her, or hear her call him Snivellus. It didn't really matter what she said to him or how she looked at him. He could live with her hate. It would have hurt, but to be in a world that was completely devoid of her beauty was so, so much worse. She gave light to everyone who knew her and gave selflessly to the people around her. He wished that he could do that the way she did, but the darkness was already set in by the time they met, she couldn't save him. He wished he had the mentality to give. His father had taken that long ago; nothing was more important than not being vulnerable. Vulnerable people are weak. You can get hurt. And from a very young age, he had decided he was tired of getting hurt.

His room was now as sweltering hot as the house on Spinner's End. Not to mention how the alcohol will warm your body right up, if you consume enough. Which he did. If he had been sober, he wouldn't have removed any clothing, but he wasn't, and that was okay with him at the moment. He stripped down so he was wearing nothing but his work pants. He felt no shame at all about being exposed. Being naked simply meant that you didn't have any clothing to protect you from physical attacks. But that was laughable here, especially with the schools highetened security.

He sighed. He didn't know what he was feeling. He didn't even know if he could feel anything right then. But there was one person who always gave him comfort in moments like these, even if she was long gone. He grabbed his wand and whispered "Expecto patronum." And she was there.

He couldn't quite explain how the doe resembled Lily, but it did. Flawless, silent in its grace, it sat down on the floor beside him and watched the fire, just as he was. He could almost feel the red hair in his hands, hear her voice and her laughter. The way she said his name.

Almost.

His face twisted then. He immediately got angry with himself for having emotions like these but a tear had already fallen. The doe looked up and rested her head on his knee. It was weightless, but comfort was what Lily would've done. His anger faded when he looked down at it, their eyes meeting. He remembered the way she looked when she was concerned, there had been a crease in between her eyebrows and she tilted her head slightly to the left. The doe immediately did so, crease and all. He chuckled "If I tell you that everytime you go outside you come back in with another freckle, does that mean you'll have those too?" All it did was blink slowly, but that was enough for him. He let her fade, and he let the tears fall. _Five more days._

And they flew in a whirlwind of alcohol, potions ingredients, and tears. He had never cried so much in his life, but the night terrors happened so frequently they never seemed to really go away at all anymore, and he always woke up either terrified or angry. He supposed he was going to have to start brewing some Dreamless Sleep, otherwise they might never stop.

Flashbacks were becoming a problem too. He used to be able to just see the place, hear the words like they were a faint echo. Like a dream. Now, it was as if his father was back in the room with him. He could feel the flecks of spit that his father got on him when he screamed. He could hear his mother cry in perfect heart wrenching sobs. Potter and Black visited him almost nightly, and he could feel the breeze whenever they attacked him outside. The house in Spinner's End was crisp too. He could smell the mist, feel the floor on the soles of his feet, feel the texture of the faded paint on the walls.

But it was complicated too. Because Lily was there. He supposed this was because her death was the most significant thing that had ever happened to him, but he could smell her strawberry shampoo. He could hear her voice, watch her brew potions, feel her touch, and all the other little things he missed about her that he hadn't even remembered before the dreams started. It was his only relief from the constant beatings, and jinxes he put up with in his sleep. And it was the only thing that was preventing him from brewing a huge vat of the draught, because as much as everything else hurt, sometimes, he had her in his flashbacks too. And in some fucked up way, that made it worth it. Right?

It was a question he had no answer to. And the more he thought about it the more it drove him insane. But it killed time. Drinking and thinking definitely killed time. Before he realized it, there were only two more days to go until term began, and he only had another nights worth of alcohol.

Once again, he started his evening ritual. Wake up, hangover cure, water, shower, clothes, alcohol. A shot for breakfast, because he needed something to wake him up and the taste of liquor always seemed to do the trick. He had just downed the first one of the night when he heard a knock on his door. He frowned; the others knew not to disturb him. He strided over to the door, pulled it open a crack. The first thing he saw was a thin lipped frown.

 _Oh here we go_ he thought bitterly as he yanked open the door the rest of the way. McGonagall didn't flinch. They stood there in silence for a few moments, staring. But Severus had had enough. Before he was even aware of what he was doing, he was spying on her thoughts. He heard minimal dialogue before he pulled out of her head and said "Yes?" He knew what she wanted but he wasn't going to help her get there.

"Were you aware that Dumbledore sustained an injury this summer?" she asked bitterly

"Yes?" he said again

"And it did not occur to you to get Poppy? Or another teacher? You couldn't have even just _told_ us?" she spat " We could've helped him recover-"

"As you may have noticed, I already did that-"

"Oh yes." she leered "I saw your handiwork. You are, of course, clearly capable-"

"Have you spoken to Dumbledore about this matter?"

She hesitated for a moment, then said "We were informed you were summoned-"

"Then I'm not exactly sure what the issue is here, Minerva. He summoned _me,_ not any other teachers. I performed many counter curses while he was semi conscious, and I contained the curse to a single hand. Had he not summoned _me,_ I think it likely the curse would've spread almost immediately. He would have _died,_ and you do what? Knock on my door because he didn't summon you?" he sneered "Didn't want you to transfigure his arm into a tea kettle-"

"We are just as able as you-"

"Then go tell _him_ that, with all your damn Gryffindor bravery instead of coming to _my_ rooms to complain."

She looked ready to hit him for a moment. He stood, waiting. Finally, she turned on her heel without a backwards glance in his direction. He was just about to slam the door shut behind him when her voice said "Have you been drinking?"

His body swung around to face her but his mind had stopped dead, floored that he didn't have a half decent response. She seemed to gather from his silence "Just sober up for the students, Severus." And just like that, she was gone.

 _That was petty._ said the logical part of his brain.

 _I was right._ Argued a different part of him _If she has an issue, she should be taking it up with Dumbledore, not me._

 _You could've been more civil._ Offered the first voice.

 _I don't owe her a damn thing._ He argued back.

His head was spinning. He needed another, and another, and

 _another decision._ Why _couldn't Lily understand that he couldn't choose his housemates, couldn't choose what actions they took in regards to other people? "They're evil, Sev! I don't know how you can be friends with them!"_

 _Does that mean I'm evil too?_ He had wanted to shout back at her. He wanted to know if that's how she truly felt about him.

He wondered if she had thought about him at all after they parted ways. He knew she did at least once, but that was a memory that would have to be ripped from his very soul before he relieved it.

The thoughts seemed to make the room spin around him. He groaned, took a step back, but the room only flew faster. He stumbled across the room and to the door, flung the thing open and walked out into the corridor. He took a right down the hall, then a left, then a staircase or two. He needed to get as far away from himself as he could. He only stopped when he reached the Astronomy Tower, breathing in the fresh air. Yes, this is what he had needed.

He leaned over the edge and looked up at the stars. Once, he and Lily had snuck up her in their third year, and he had pointed out all the constellations he could find to her, and the story behind each one. They had been there until sunrise, when, laughing, Lily had dragged him into the Great Hall for breakfast. It was one of the best nights of his life.

He didn't need to sleep with her. He would've stayed a virgin his entire life if that was what it took to have her. No, it was her laugh. Her hugs when his parents fought. The smell of her hair, how he had buried his head in it and felt the fiery locks move on his face. Her. He just missed her.

He sighed, eyes still on the sky. Where was she now? Her body was bones, but had her soul lived on somewhere? He wondered where she was, if she could still feel. He hoped he wouldn't be able to when he died. He didn't want to feel anything ever again. He hung his head, defeated. But he wouldn't cry. He only looked back up when the sun started to rise.

It cast a familiar red glow over the entire sky.

* * *

Sorry I've been away for so long, I've been dealing with my own PTSD and depression. Hopefully the longer chapter will make up for it. :)


	9. The Tunnel

The Tunnel

 _James Potter took a sideways glance at Sirius Black and grinned. They stole glances under their eyelids at Severus Snape, who sat two rows ahead of them. As the two Marauders passed a piece of parchment back and forth, Pettigrew took notes, frowning slightly._

 _The bell rang, and the students filed out. James and Sirius waited, and right before Snape went in front of them, Black elbowed him behind he and James, saying "Watch it, Snivilly."_

 _Snape eyes flashed and his scowl deepened, but he didn't dare retaliate with so many witnesses._

" _Did you get the notes, Peter?" Sirius asked_

" _Yes, but I don't know why you want me to take them this month, usually James does it-"_

" _That's because this is the big night, and we're planning on how we want to spend it." James said, a little louder than usual. Sirius smirked and added "Besides Peter, you have better handwriting than we do."_

" _What's so special about this time?" Peter asked_

" _Well, Flitch is sick with dragonpox, remember? That means the front door will be basically wide open." James said, turning a corner into the Charms corridor. "No sneaking out this time." Sirius added to Peter. Sirius glanced around, and stopped very suddenly, and Snape walked into him again. Sirius turned and said "You know, Snape, you really should watch where you're going."_

 _Other students started to slow down, causing a bottleneck in the corridor. There were no teachers._

" _Fuck you Black." Snape said venomously_

 _Uncharacteristically, Sirius turned back around to face James, who kept walking. James lowered his voice "Speaking of watching where we're going, whose night is it to prod the knot?"_

" _Mine." They reached a two way. The three Gryffindors took the right, while the Slytherin took the left. "Sev!" called a voice_

 _The Slytherin turned around immediately to greet the redhead walking towards him. The other Slytherins smirked and looked away from the pair. Even the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws avoided their eyes, but Lily paid no mind. "You left your quill, I've been trying to catch up since we left class."_

" _Thank you, Lil." He smiled down at her, and it became apparent to her that he really was happy. His smile was contagious, and she couldn't help but smile back. "Are you still meeting me tonight for help on my Cheering Charms?" she asked_

" _What? I.. No, I'm sorry Lily. There's… something I have to do."_

" _Oh." Her voice grew hard, cold. Severus instantly regretted his words. "But maybe I can meet you before dinner-"_

" _I told Alice I was meeting her."_

" _Oh. Right."_

" _Yeah. I guess I'll see you tomorrow then Severus." She walked past him, eyes on the floor, face bright red. "Bye!" he called after her desperately._

 _She didn't turn around._

 _Cursing himself, he_

 **stumbling**

 _to Arithmancy, slightly abashed. He looked up, realized people were staring, and immediately, a scowl appeared on his face. On the other side of the corridor, Sirius and James high fived in front of a bewildered Peter._

 _James was hidden under his Invisibility Cloak by the front doors. The door was unlocked, just as he had said it would be, but not because Filch had dragonpox. No, the caretaker had hobbled down the stairs just like he did every night to lock the doors. He had waited for the metallic clicks of the lock and then hobbled away, swearing. James gave a lazy flick of his wand and the door reopened, leaving the castle thoroughly exposed._

 _James didn't have to wait long. Snape was so predictable._

 **Silently**

 _he crept along, keeping close to the walls. He reached the door and slid it open, and before the door had even finished creaking, the door was shut again and the hallway was empty._

 _James waited only a minute, then opened the doors himself, took a moment to breathe in the air, and walked along the path to the greenhouses. He ducked behind one, stuffed his cloak in his pocket and transformed. The stag was much quicker than Snape; by the time he arrived to the Whomping Willow, Severus barely glanced at the stag at the forest's edge._

 _With ease, Severus levitated a twig am touched it, unsure to the knot at the trees base. Uncertainty turned into satisfaction as the tree froze. And Severus_

 **Running**

 _inside, oblivious that there might be someone watching. The stag immediately followed, transforming in the base of the tunnel. Then James crept along behind Snape, not even bothering to use his Invisibility Cloak. He knew Snape's attention was in front of him, with the inhuman screams…_

 _And all at once, many things happened._

 _Snape_

 **Scream**

 _and_

 **Fall**

 _back as a roar as chilling as_

 **Death**

 _ran its length up the tunnel. A dog barked furiously, missed by the boy, who was now being tugged to his feet by James. And then they were both_

 **Run**

 _Snape in front of James, to the base of the entrance._

 _Severus bent over, panting. James took his chance "Had fun, following us around?"_

 _Snape was binded by shock, but James was surprised when, quicker than a flash of light, there was a wand pointed at him, facing his own._

" _What the hell was that!" Snape screamed_

" _What, too stupid to figure it out?" James taunted "You wanted to know so damn badly, well, now you know."_

 _James and Severus's spells met each other in the air. James had never dueled before, and he needed both hands on his wand to keep going. But the same could not be said for Severus, who looked_

 **Demented**

 **Inhuman**

 _and red with blinding rage. James let go and it was though he had never experienced pain. He was being stabbed, burned, and strangled. He felt the tears fly freely from his face as he screamed in agony and then_

 _James head was bleeding; he had cut it on a rock. He was shaking, but that didn't last long before he felt the kick straight in his face. Adrenaline surged through him. He grabbed Snapes robes and pulled. He tripped and crashed down on top of him. And both boys were rolling around, bleeding, wands forgotten on the tunnel floor._

 _It seemed to James like Severus was just getting started, but for him, everything seemed to be woozy. He felt the world go dark when suddenly there was a flash of light, and Snape stopped hitting him. James gingerly looked up and saw Sirius. Relief washed over him like water._

 _Sirius propped James half conscious body up on the wall of the tunnel and began to siphon blood off of James face. Slowly the tunnel came more clearly into focus. The first thing he remembered saying was "What're we going to do?"_

 _Sirius glanced at Snape, who was still held together with a Full Body Bind. "What the hell happened?"_

" _He screamed and started running-"_

" _But we planned that!"_

" _Yeah, well," James spat out some blood and adjusted his glasses "we didn't plan on him using the Cruciatus Curse on me."_

 _Sirius strided over and raised his fist to punch Snape. "No, we can't Sirius-"_

" _The Cruciatus Curse-"_

" _We don't have a good reason for why he's here Sirius! We're not even supposed to be here, even Dumbledore doesn't know we know!"_

 _Sirius thought hard for a moment then turned away, swearing. But he swung back around almost instantly and said "But what do we do? How do we get him to not talk?"_

" _He can't anyway unless he wants to be expelled and thrown in Azkaban, that's a life sentence!"_

" _We can't just trust him to not say anything James!"_

" _Then I don't know what to do, Sirius."_

" _What's he got to say about all this?" Sirius interjected loudly "James, take your wand, point it at him, now!" With a flick of Sirius's wand, Severus's muscles began working again, but he had barely sat up before two wands pointed straight at his hooked nose._

" _So," Sirius sneered "Think you're clever, do you? Think you get to go around, cursing people-"_

 _Snape gave a hollow laugh "Are you actually lecturing me on cursing people, Black?"_

" _Using the Cruciatus Curse-"_

" _Was just as illegal as bring me down here to die."_

 _James laughed this time "We weren't going to let you die-"_

" _Nice try proving that to Dumbledore."_

 _All three of them fell silent for a moment, glaring at each other with equal hatred. "So that leaves two options then," Severus said finally "we either all get expelled, or we all walk away."_

" _And have our fate rest with you?" Severus could tell Sirius was seriously scared now. "Mine would rest with you, too." the Slytherin pointed out_

" _He's right, Sirius."_

 _Severus looked at James so fast he cricked his neck. "We all walk away. Agreed?"_

" _Fine." spat Severus. "Now let me leave."_

 _James and Sirius lowered their wands, and Snape_

 **Crawled**

 _spitting_

dirt from his mouth. The stars seemed to scrape across the sky in welcome. His whole body ached. He leaned back against a tree and inhaled deeply. The forest hugged his entire body, claimed him for its own. He recognized this clearing.

" _Get out your wand." He did so, and she turned around and pushed herself against him. He groaned as her black hair weaved itself down the most intimate parts of him-_

He winced and glanced at his watch, eyes widening as he realized the Sorting was beginning. Now.

He snatched his wand from his pocket and lifted the grime from his face, straightened the wrinkles in his robes. He swore as realized he was missing his right sock.

Knowing that this was probably the best he would be able to do before the Feast, he walked out of the clearing and back to the castle, almost on autopilot. He wasn't thinking. He wasn't focused on anything.

Something silver appeared in the corner of his eye. It appeared to be coming closer, even as he walked closer to the castle. He stopped and watched as a silver wolf stalked towards Hagrid's cabin. His decision was made in a split second, and the silver doe chased after the wolf. The two Patronus' walked back to Snape, and a voice said "Harry Potter is with me, missed the carriages. Walk him to the castle?"

Severus almost laughed out loud as he headed towards the castle. He made a pitstop in the Great Hallway for a lanturn. As he walked back out, he saw Hagrid trudge up the path. Their eyes met, and they nodded to each other, but neither of them spoke as they passed. Smirking, Severus trailed towards the gate. He could see Nymphadora and Potter standing on the platform, looking at him. Potter was wearing Muggle clothing and covered in

" _Yeah well we didn't plan on him using the Cruciatus Curse on me."_

blood.

" _Well, well, well," sneered Snape, taking out his wand and tapping the padlock once, so that the chains snaked backwards and the gate creaked open. "Nice of you to turn up, Potter, although you evidently decided that the wearing of school robes would distract from your appearance."_ He almost scoffed as Potter offered _"I couldn't change, I didn't have my-"_

" _There is no need to wait Nymphadora, Potter is quite- ah- safe in my hands."_ Had that been her Patronus? The last he remembered, her Patronus had been a possum.

His eyes widened. He knew Lupin and Tonks got along, there was a tension between them that he had thought was purely sexual. The other members of the Order knew that Lupins resistance to this connection was as raw as sandpaper, even though he clearly felt something for the young woman. Her advances were subtle enough, but he had noticed the glances during meetings, the unusual pairing when the moon wasn't full. However, he didn't know that she loved him.

Yes. Love. That he knew well, his own Patronus matching Lily's, a connection he supposed that now mirrored Lupin and Tonk's situation. He couldn't help but sympathize with her a little, knowing full well what it was like to be so in love. It seeped into every pore of your very existence, shook you down to the base core of your entire being. Every tear shed, every drop of blood.

Yes, love. He knew this very, very well.

But he felt a wave of anger wash over him at the werewolf. Did he not know of her feelings? Severus knew that he did, knew that the feeling was mutual. It wasn't uncaring that kept them apart. If she loved him so, and he knew it, than why? Why not even acknowledge it? His predicament with Lily had been bad, he knew; if she knew that he loved her, she never mentioned it, and certainly never cared how it affected him or the friendship that was between them. But Lupin not only knew, but he cared too. And he still chose to do nothing? His hatred of Lupin deepened. No wonder she looked so careworn and lifeless.

But he had not let himself go like this, he thought suddenly. He had taken up the opportunity to help the cause Lily died to protect. And now, in his allegiance and love for her, he protected James Potter's son. He had not succumbed to depression and wallowed in his pity. At least, not until recently.

" _Are you going to keep crying like some sissy nancy boy?" Tobias taunted_

But could the same be said for her? Unexplainably, his anger now flared in her direction as well.

" _I meant Hagrid to get the message." said Tonk's, frowning._

" _Hagrid was late of the start-of-term feast, just like Potter, so I took it instead."_ he said, pushing the memory of himself laying on the Forest floor away " _And incidentally, I was interested to see your new Patronus."_

Her shock was instantly recognizable. He supposed she forgot he knew what her old Patronus was. The members of the Order had, two summers before, each shared their Patronus in case of emergency, so that a name attached to a message would be unnecessary. He had been surprised with himself that he felt no shame in sharing his rather feminine Patronus. He was not ashamed of his love for Lily. It was just personal. Private. Need to know information. Potter stepped in the castles barrier and he slammed the gate in front of her.

" _I think you were better off with the old one. The new one seems weak."_ He saw her anger and was immediately satisfied. Lupin _was_ weak. It was only natural her Patronus should reflect that personality trait. Smirking, he turned and began walking to the castle, Potter alongside of him.

" _Goodnight. Thanks for… everything."_ Potter called back to her

" _See you Harry."_ he heard her return.

Their pleasantries didn't make him slow his pace. In fact, he rather found himself lost in thought of the night as they crossed the grounds. He tried to think of the last thing he remembered before waking up in the dirt like some animal. He remembered making lunch, but that was it. He couldn't even remember what he made.

He took a side glance at Potter, at all the blood on his face. Vaguely, he wondered if the boy was okay. The thought was fleeting, and didn't last long as another popped into his head. A boy who looked just like the one next to him, laying in a tunnel covered in blood. Severus was on top of him, and his fist felt like it was melting in pain as it punched every inch of the Jame's face it could reach-

" _Fifty points from Gryffindor for lateness, I think."_ he said softly. He saw Potter stiffen, and it emboldened him further " _And let me see, another twenty for your Muggle attire. You know, I don't believe any House has been in negative figures this early in term. We haven't even started pudding. You might have set a record Potter."_

He sensed that he was doing a rather good job of getting under the boy's skin. He could almost hear the screaming thoughts of hatred. He thought fondly of how James would've felt if he had been there in that moment, knowing there was nothing he could do. " _I suppose you wanted to make an entrance, didn't you? And with no flying car available you decided that bursting into the Great Hall halfway through the feast ought to create a dramatic effect."_

Snape was almost laughing at the chilsled expression on his face, though he was rather impressed he had managed to remain silent up until this point. As they mounted the stairs and entered the Great Hallway, he couldn't help but taste some of the feeling. He was inside Potter's mind in a flash, and the Invisibility Cloak flitted through his head. He pulled out and said " _No Cloak. You can walk in so that everyone sees you, which is what you wanted, I'm sure."_ Potter marched straight into the Great Hall, and he couldn't help but sneer a little. _Just like his father._

This took a LONG time to write, but I'm on vacation at the moment. It doesn't have any significance to the story or the way I write my chapters, I'm just excited to be 1,500 miles away from home. The italicized exchange that took place between Harry, Severus, and Tonks is _not_ my work, but was taken from the HBP. I don't own it, only the thoughts that Snape had to himself.


	10. Indignation and Confrontation

_Indignation and Confrontation_

* * *

Severus didn't take the main doors into the Hall. He preferred the side doors that led directly to the teachers table. He sat down in his regular spot, and began to eat. McGonagall started in "What in the world happened to Potter now? All of that blood-"

He sighed and answered "He was like that when I went to collect him at the gate-"

"You collected him?" Dumbledore said sharply

"Yes. For some unknown reason he decided not to change out of Muggle clothes or take the carriages." he said with borderline indifference. Dumbledore seemed much more intrigued by this information than he was. "Was he hurt?" he asked, just as sharply as the first question.

"Didn't ask." he said shortly

Neither McGonagall or Dumbledore talked to him for the rest of the main feast, which he was completely okay with. He could hear Slughorn on his left talking to Flitwick about Charms work, which seemed to be a rather one sided conversation, although to his credit, Flitwick did seem to be paying close attention. Severus didn't know if he was pretending or not. On the complete other side of the table he noticed Trelawney. She was as silent as he was, but she was staring at Dumbledore, who seemed to not notice her. Suddenly, her eyes shifted to his and the brown eyes met the black ones. He looked away immediately; Trelawney was the one person at Hogwarts who truly made him uncomfortable. He had heard Minerva's rants a million times about how the subject was useless, and how Sybil was a fraud but he knew the truth, not that he would ever give it away. He felt a certain respect for the woman, because he knew that she had heard what others said about her. But she had merely kept to herself, and hadn't changed her ways a single bit. Yes, he respected that very much. He'd never tell anyone though.

He glanced down and saw dessert. His sweet tooth gave in again, and he snatched a brownie from the table and bit into it, enjoying the richness. It was a Muggle sweet that his mother baked when he was young. Once, he had mentioned this to Dumbledore on accident at the table when they were eating and ever since then, they had appeared at meals. Now that he was going to die, he couldn't help but admit to himself that he liked the man. He never thought he would say that to himself, he had hated Dumbledore in his school days. But he had definitely treated Severus better as an adult. At this moment, Dumbledore stood up to make his start of term speech. As he started speaking, Severus wasn't really paying attention to it until he heard a collective gasp from the Hall. Looking up, he realized that the student body had noticed the cursed hand.

" _Nothing to worry about." he said airily._ (McGonagall sniffed angrily and readjusted next to him. He ignored her as he listened.) _"Now… to our new students, welcome, to our old students, welcome back! Another year full of magical education awaits you._ Our caretaker, Mr. Filch, has asked me to remind all students not to enter the Forbidden Forest. Certain joke items, such as products from Zonko's in Hogsmeade are still against the rules to possess, _and there is a blanket ban on any joke items bought at the shop called Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes. Those wishing to play for their House Quidditch teams should give their names to their Heads of Houses as usual. We are also looking for new Quidditch commentators, who should do likewise._

 _We are pleased to welcome a new member of staff this year. Professor Slughorn-"_

Severus watched him stand and smile down at the hall. A sudden jolt washed through him as he remembered what came next. He had been waiting for this moment since he had started to work at the castle. He straightened, his eyes flashing in triumph as Dumbledore went on.

" _-is a former colleague of mine who has agreed to resume his old post of Potions master."_

He heard the word go around the Hall like an echo. This was it. This was his moment.

" _Professor Snape, meanwhile, will be taking over the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher."_

" _No!"_ shouted a voice at the Gryffindor table. As the Slytherins burst into applause and cheers, the rest of the hall buzzed in conversation and some looked at Potter, who seemed unable to hide his indignation. Severus almost smiled, really, this was the icing on the cake. But he wouldn't show off, not like Potter would've done. Instead, _he merely raised a hand in lazy acknowledgement of the applause from the Slytherin table._

Dumbledore let the conversation continue for a few more seconds before clearing his throat and continuing _"_

 _Now, as everybody in this Hall knows, Lord Voldemort and his followers are once more at large and gaining in strength. I cannot emphasise strongly enough how dangerous the present situation is, and how much care each of us at Hogwarts must take to ensure that we remain safe. The castle's magical fortifications have been strengthened over the summer, we are protected in new and more powerful ways, but we must still guard scrupulously against carelessness on the part of any student or member of staff. I urge you, therefore, to abide by any security restrictions that your teachers might impose upon you, however irksome you might find them – in particular, the rule that you are not to be out of bed after hours. I implore you, should you notice anything strange or suspicious within or outside the castle, to report it to a member of staff immediately. I trust you to conduct yourselves, always, with the utmost regard for your own and each other's safety."_

Dumbledore paused to look at the students once more. He thought he saw Dumbledore stiffen a little and it occurred to him for the first time this was probably the last speech he would ever give the students at Hogwarts. The thought was a weird one for him, and he wondered if this had just occurred to the Headmaster himself. But before he had time to ponder the thought, Dumbledore smiled and said _"But now, your beds await, as warm and comfortable as you could possibly wish, and I know that your top priority is to be well-rested for your lessons tomorrow. Let us therefore say goodnight. Pip pip!"_

The buzz of conversation filled the room again as the students began filing out. The teachers had started to rise as well, but before he could make his escape, McGonagall said "A word please, Severus."

He sighed again and followed her out, down the west wing and into an empty classroom. He sat on a desk and watched her as she paced up by the vacant teachers table. She did this for a moment, then paused and turned to him. Glaring, she spat "Don't you think that if a student is covered in blood, the proper thing to do would be to bring them to the hospital wing?"

A memory swirled angrily in his brain, and he let it fester for a moment before answering "A student covered in blood, or just Harry Potter?"

She threw her hands up in exasperation "Anyone! Are you _so_ vain-"

"Apparently. I saw nothing wrong with him. Other than blood he did not appear to be harmed in anyway. It might not have even been his, knowing his father." He glared pointedly at her, and she at least had the decency to look away. "Just because you and James Potter didn't get along-"

"You knew, even then, that it was more than that. It was four against one, and you sat back and let it happen. Every year, at least once, you come to me and tell me off for taking so many points, or for putting students in detention for trivial things. Where were you and Dumbledore when Potter and Lupin and the rest of them constantly found me in the corridors and hexed me into next week? Or was that too trivial for you?" he was shouting now, but he didn't care. McGonagall too looked furious.

"You need to let it go! That was _so_ many years ago now, and here you are, still tormenting people for the fun of it-"

He sneered "I'm sorry, I believe it's _your_ House that does that-"

"So Draco Malfoy doesn't exist then?" she shot back "Nor the rest of them?"

"Draco Malfoy is my problem. Both of the Potters were yours. Maybe you just aren't doing a good enough job at taking care of things, Minerva."

She opened her mouth to resort back, but she appeared to be so angry that she couldn't speak. An idea hit him, and he took advantage of her silence. He feigned a sigh, and said "If you want me monitor Draco Malfoy's actions more carefully than I shall. But Potter is still in your House, and he is still _your_ responsibility."

"Fine."

"Good." He slid off his desk and walked to the door, yanking it open and stepping out into the nearly deserted corridor. He needed to get the hell out of there; he knew what was coming and it couldn't happen, not here-

But he wouldn't make it back to his rooms. He walked up a flight of stairs with as much dignity as he could muster, then flung open a random door and stepped inside, slamming it behind him. It was a broom closet; there were cobwebs everywhere. He tried to step away from them but accidently kicked a bottle of what he assumed was cleaner. It fell and spilled in his shoe, the one without a sock it it. Swearing profusely, he reached to the door handle and tried to open it, but found it had locked behind him. He only managed "Damnit!-" before

" _What happened?" McGonagall said furiously._

 _She had caught him at the door. He assumed she went to relock it right as he had entered it, trying to sneak through. He looked down and saw James' blood all over his clothes and fists_

But the cleaner was burning his skin now, and eating away at the leather in his shoe. It pulled him out of the memory swiftly, and he was still swearing when he pulled out his wand, hissed the incantation at the door, and it flew open. He almost tripped as he climbed out, but he made it, looked back, and saw that it was indeed some sort of magical cleaner. Most cleaners did have an acid base, after all. The door shut, and the corridor still empty, he limped his way back down the stairs and to his rooms.

* * *

It's a short one, but the next chapter will be uploaded later this week, sooner than usual. As always, leave a review telling me what you think! :)


	11. The Cure

_The Cure_

Out of all the days of the school year, the one where he had to sort out schedules was one of the worst. The fifth, sixth, and seventh year students were somewhat of a mess, something he hated. He was sorting out Parkinson's schedule when he overheard Malfoy speaking. "...got an idea Crabbe, and I've got a million backups after…" Malfoy hadn't realized he'd come up behind him until Severus cleared his throat. He whipped around and scowled "Test results?" Severus asked, eyebrows raised. Draco handed them over, rolling his eyes as he did. "Well?" He asked impatiently after a few moments of Malfoy not speaking. "Just put me down for whatever, I've got better things to do than school so it doesn't matter what I take."

Severus looked down and him and smiled a truly cold smile. Draco looked unfazed as he said "Just… whatever? Don't you think that if you want to be...useful-" he started delicately, noting with satisfaction that Malfoy now looked furious "you might want to do something to help our cause? There's a war going on, you know." He chose his word carefully, but the point still got across. "What do you think would be the most...helpful? Sir." He sneered

"Well, you could take a career in helping invent curses and jinxes. Training in different languages might not be a bad idea either. Or you could go the more lax route and choose Healing. We all know you're a busy man, being a sixth year student with no job, bills to pay, or mouths to feed. And with the upcoming events bound to take place, it certainly would be useful to both yourself and others. Of course, this would've been easier to discuss had you shown up for your appointment with me last year."

"Fine, fine, Healing then." He looked more annoyed than angry now, and he took the schedule Severus had given him with a flourish and was off to a first period Charms class. By the time he had finished up with the scheduling it was almost time for his second period class.

As he entered his new classroom he waved his wand at the blanks frames on the walls. He had decided to change them for every class to show the kinds of material that they were learning. This class would be mostly focused on the curses, and he wanted the classroom to reflect that. He heard the students beginning to show up through the closed door, and with a final sigh, he opened it, ready for his first class.

He noticed with amusement that all the students, who had been talking amongst themselves amidly, fell silent looking at him in the doorframe.

" _Inside." he said._

He noticed as they filed inside that most of them took spots near the back. It seemed Potter, Weasley, and Granger were the only ones that choose to sit near the front of their own accord. He had heard that Potter was a natural at this class, and Granger seemed to absorb knowledge like a big, bushy haired sponge, so this hardly surprised him. Once everyone was inside he slammed the door and walked up to the front of the classroom. He turned and saw a few people getting out their textbooks _"I have not asked you to take out your books. I wish to speak with you, and I want your fullest attention."_

His eyes swept over the classroom and he noticed that Potter looked rather more intrigued than angry at him, which was a first for either Potter, Severus counted. He smirked to himself, and continued _"You have had five teachers in this subject so far, I believe. Naturally, these teachers will have all had their own methods and priorities Given this confusion I am surprised to many of you managed to scrape an O.W.L. in this subject. I shall be even more surprised if all of you manage to keep up with the N.E.W.T. work, which will be much more advanced."_

He paused walked over to the edge of the room, looking at one of this pictures. He heard some chairs scraping in the background as the class strained to see him, but he looked at this particular picture of a woman who was in a corner, and he watched her as he spoke _"The Dark Arts are a many, varied, ever-changing, and eternal. Fighting them is like fighting a many-headed monster, which, each timea neck is severed, sprouts a head even fericer and cleverer than before. You are fighting that which is unfixed, mutating, indiestructible."_ The eyes of the woman in the painting met his, so black and shallow, just as his own, but she began to scream again, and he turned away from the sight of her. He turned back around and and began to walk towards the beginning of the classroom _"Your defences must therefore be as flexable and inventive as the arts you seek to undo. These pictures give a fair representation of what happens to those who suffer, for instance, the Cruciatus Curse, the Dementors Kiss, or provoke the aggression of the Inferius."_ He waved at all of these pictures as he passed them, noting the shock in some of the faces in the room. Potter wasn't looking at him, but his face was set. Maybe he'd be able to teach Lily's son something after all. He didn't really have any time to register this thought before Patil called out _"Has an Inferius been seen, then? Is it definite, is he using them?"_

Normally Severus wouldn't have allowed a student to speak without him calling on them, but he figured this was a good enough question that it warneted answering _"The Dark Lord had used Inferi in the past which means you would be well-advised to assume he might use them again. Now-"_ he began to walk towards his desk. This should be fun. _"-you are, I believe, complete novices in the use of nonverbal spells. What is the advantage of a nonverbal spell?"_

One of the peeves that had grown over the last six years was that he (despite hating students) liked to give them all a chance to answer questions. It made them actually think about the material incase he called on one of them randomly. In this class, however, everyone always seemed to look at Granger when a question was asked. Sure enough, nobody raised their hand except her. He had a right mind just to call on someone else, but it really wouldn't be worth the effort, especially since he had been teaching her, he didn't think she had ever gotten a classroom question wrong. He gave one last glance around the room and said _"Very well- Miss Granger?"_

" _Your adversary has no warning about what kind of magic you're about to perform, which gives you a split second advantage."_

" _An answer copied almost word-for-word from The Standard Book of Spells, Grade Six-"_ (he saw Malfoy move in the corner slightly but he paid him no attention, still rather annoyed about breakfast) _"but correct in essentials. Yes, those who progress to using magic without shouting incatntations gain an element of surprise in their spell-casting. Not all wizards can do this, of course; it is a question of concentration and mind power which some-"_ he looked over at Potter, who did not look away _"-lack."_

He still hadn't looked away. Severus pushed away all the memories of his own lack of mind power recently and looked away himself, continuing _"You will now divide into pairs. One partner will attempt to jinx the other_ wihtout speaking. _The other will attempt to repel the jinx_ in equal slience. _Carry on."_

As soon as they started to move, Severus waved his wand and the desks stacked neatly on the side of the room, giving the students more room to practise. He watched in complete amusement as half of the students muttered their jinxes and the other half went either red or slightly blue in the face trying to cast their jinxes nonverbally. He noticed with absolutly no surprise whatsoever that Granger actually succeeded about twenty minutes into their lesson. He figured she got enough points from other teachers though, so he ignored her. He stopped and actually cocked his head to the side a little when he stopped at Weasley and Potter.

Really, Potter should've been the one attempting to cast a jinx, he suspected he would've actually succeeded in the task. Instead, he almost laughed out loud as Weasley, tried to jinx him. Figuring he may as well as challenge Potter a little, he whipped out his wand and said _"Pathetic Weasley. Here, let me show you-"_

He whipped out his wand but before he could think half of an incantation, Potter shouted " _Protego!" His Shield Charm was so strong Snape was knocked off balance and hit a desk. The whole class looked around now and watched as Snape righted himself, scowling._

" _Do you remember me telling you that we are practising_ nonverbal _spells, Potter?"_

" _Yes," said_ Potter _stiffly._

" _Yes,_ sir."

" _There's no need to call me 'sir', Professor."_

Knocking him over and then being a smartass for repeating instructions? That wouldn't do, no, that wouldn't do at all.

" _Detention, Saturday night, my office. I do not take cheek from anyone Potter… not even '_ The Chosen One'. _"_

He turned around and said coldly "I don't believe I told anyone to stop practising." People resumed at once, probably afraid they would be put in detention next if they didn't. No one really seemed to be trying anymore though. He caught a few people giving Potter admiring glances and shook his head angrily. _He's just like his father_ he kept saying to himself.

He walked on the Slytherin end of the class now. They seemed to be doing all right, but he was only concerned about one student. But it looked like Malfoy was putting little effort into hexing Goyle, he seemed much more concerned with whispering to Crabbe, who was on his left. He decided to probe a little and tried to discreetly move his wand out of his pocket. Before he could do so though, Malfoy looked right at him and glared. Figuring it would be better to not hex the sixteen year old out of frustration, he walked away, scheming about how he would get Malfoys plan out of him.

Finally the bell rang, but before the student's filed out, he called "I want a foot long essay on Nonverbal spells from Chapter One of your books. To be handed in next lesson." A collective groan filled the air and for the first time all lesson, he was satisfied.

His lessons throughout the week went better then the first thankfully. Teaching the first years was something of a battle though. With the older students, they were used to the feeling of holding a wand. Muggleborns had, until recently, never held wands in their lives. And the ones who were born into wizarding families had never been able to use their parents wand, and the sense that they were doing something wrong was still there, something that as a teacher he needed to break through.

So first, he taught them to hold wands properly, something he didn't think the other teachers bothered to do. Taking notes wouldn't help them with that, and they wouldn't be able to master even the basics if they didn't learn it. Next, he taught them simple, practical spells. Disarming was first, but he dabbled into charms a little to teach them how to Shield themselves if a spell ever got sent their way. Then he taught them various spells and jinxes that would serve them well in battle.

He taught the second years to Disarm as well. They picked this up more quickly, so he was able to move a lot more faster with them. The third years were even quicker, and after much debating, he taught his fourth years Levicourpus to get them used to nonverbal spells. His fifth and sixth years he started on nonverbal spells immediately. The seventh year curriculum was divided into two parts; learning new curses and jinxes and going over seven years worth of material. He figured he'd do this early that way they didn't have to cram it all in in twelve weeks time, something that he struggled with in his seventh year. This choice was affirmed correct when he learned that most of his seventh years couldn't remember spells that his first and second years were practising.

All and all, he thought his first week as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher went rather smoothly. He poured some brandy for himself on Friday night, feeling rather accomplished. He was slightly worried though as well; he hadn't been summoned for awhile now, something that didn't usually happen unless someone in the ranks had given Him bad information. Severus had only fallen into this category four times since he joined at 18, something he was rather proud of, despite what that meant. He knew he really shouldn't worry: The Dark Lord seldomly called him during the school year, knowing that it would look suspicious to Dumbledore should he disappear for for that long in the dead of the night.

He sighed heavily into his drink, remembering his new mission; Draco Malfoy. Somehow he wasn't as worried about this as everyone else was. He knew Draco wasn't capable of killing, and in time, he'd learn that himself. No, what he was worried about was "Protecting him from harm." It was nearly impossible to do in this school; it's prone to magical accidents. If you went in the Hospital Wing at any given moment you were pretty much guaranteed to see at least one person in there, mostly students, but he had seen teachers once or twice. It was why he seldom went there when he was hurt; he knew more magical remedies then he could count, and his Charms work was superb, even if it wasn't what he specialized in.

He looked into the flames, thinking back to his meeting with Dumbledore on Wednesday. He learned that Potter had also been summoned to Dumbledore on Saturday. He agreed to doing the detention the following week at once, grateful he could enjoy he first Saturday back alone. He looked at his door, looking thoughtful. Finally, he put a second ward and a silencing charm on it, lest Minerva come looking for him.

Tonight's choice of poison was red wine. It was easy to get drunk quickly, but you needed a healthy bit of it at once to get you going. He had not had a black out since he woke up in the clearing the night term started. Now that he thought about it (he took a healthy swig of wine) he had a few memories in that clearing, not all of them unpleasant. It had been the last place he saw Lily. He'd never forget that night.

 _He was out looking for unicorn hair in his seventh year. He had to do this at night, sneaking out was something he hated, but he had to be done. He had overheard a sixth year coming back from her Care of Magical Creatures exam while he was on his way to his Herbology one. She was talking about the unicorns, and the properties of the horn. He knew the clearing she spoke of, and now, he was on his way there, his bag empty, ready to get as many as he could by dawn._

Severus jolted, but

 _He heard voices as he approached. He moved closer, hoping they weren't in the clearing, but a giggle and a gasp followed by a moan killed the idea swiftly. He peaked over a tree-_

He looked at the ceiling, his breath hitching. His potion stores, if he could make it there-

 _Her flaming red hair was unmistakable, even in the darkness. He knew she was dating Potter of course, the fucking hypocrite, but he hadn't expected to see both of them naked on the Forest floor._

He made it to the door. "Accio!" he called into the darkness. A Calming Draught flew into his hand, and he downed the thing in one gulp. His eyes widened as the memory went away immediately. He looked down at it amazed. All thoughts of alcohol forgotten, he immediately went into his potions room to brew a vat of it, thankful he had finally found a cure.


End file.
